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Old 02-25-2005, 12:25 PM   #1
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Talking 14 Lines to make you smile

Fourteen Lines to Make You Smile


1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. SHE thought she was God and I didn't.


2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!


4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.


5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me


8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


10. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.


11. I am out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.


13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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Old 02-25-2005, 12:29 PM   #2
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

LMA0....where are you getting all these?
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Old 02-25-2005, 12:31 PM   #3
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

From my dad. He and his Chiropractic association always send stuff to each other.
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

Alvino, i am going to highjack your thread, and add some stuff of my own...Hope you don't mind...

But I figured it's better to add to your's than to make another thread with the same kind of funny stuff..

Oh and by the way, i'm not triple posting & what not, i find it easier to scroll the next page , Better than to scroll down a mile long post.

Ok here goes...

Not too bright
These are one-liners that you really don't want people to be using to describe you. I think it's nicer to use these though instead of saying that someone is just unintelligent. If they aren't intelligent though, they may not understand what you're saying about them. If they're the type to seek revenge that may just be to your benefit.


1. Not the brightest light in the harbor.
2. The light's on but no one's home.
3. Not the brightest bulb in the box.
4. A few screws short of a hardware store.
5. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
6. A few cards short of a deck.
7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
8. About as sharp as a marble.
9. Only has one oar in the water.
10. Smart as a bag of rocks.
11. A burger short of a combo meal.
12. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
13. A few peas short of a casserole.
14. A few keys short of a keyboard.
15. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
16. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
17. As smart as a stick.
18. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. Has an IQ of room temperature.
21. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
22. Not the brightest crayon in the box.
23. One twist short of a slinky.
24. Sharp as a sack of wet mice.
25. More numb than a frozen mukluk.
26. I ain't sharpest crayon in the box - Markie Sparkie Lover.
27. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed - Markie Sparkie Lover.
28. They are depriving some village of its idiot.
29. A few threads short of a sweater.
30. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
31. Driveway doesn't quite reach the road.
32. The battery is not fully charged.
33. About as sharp as a bowling ball.
34. Dumber than a bag of hammers.
35. A few bricks short of a full load.
36. A few clowns short of a circus.
37. A few beers short of a six-pack.
38. Dumber than a box of hair.
39. A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.
40. All foam no beer.
41. As smart as bait.
42. Chimney's clogged.
43. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
44. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
45. The antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
46. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
47. Another brain would be lonely.
48. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
49. No grain in the silo.
50. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
51. Receiver is off the hook.
52. Has a leak in the skylight.
53. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
54. Dumb as a donkey.
55. Not all the soldiers are marching in line.
56. Dumber than paint.
57. Half a bubble off plumb.
58. A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl.
59. Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.
60. A few shades beyond blonde.
61. Has to take turns for the family brain-cell.
62. A few watts short of a light bulb.
63. Dump as a stump.
64. Running on 3 cylinders.
65. A few Bradys short of a bunch.
66. Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord.
67. Would lose a debate with a doorknob.
68. Has an IQ lower than plant life.
69. All telephone, no receiver.
70. One ski short of a snowmobile.
71. Wouldn't know if they were on foot or horseback.
72. The logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged.
73. Eats soup with a fork.
74. The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off (or is dead).
75. The cheese slid off the cracker.
76. The engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel.
77. A few fuses short of a full circuit.
78. A tire short of an eighteen wheeler.
79. Doesn't have all the chairs at the table.
80. Dumber than a bag of rocks.
81. A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding.
82. A few pecans short of a fruitcake.
83. As fruity as a bag of Skittles™
84. Would argue with a signpost.
85. If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you'd get change.
86. Dumb as a salt shaker.
87. Has a mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
88. Knitting with only one needle.
89. The result of too much chlorine in the gene pool.
90. Not the brightest bulb in the Chandalier.
91. Not the quickest bunny in the forest.
92. The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn't been installed.
93. Not exactly running on all thrusters.
94. A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza.
95. A few burgers short of a barbecue.
96. A few roos loose in the top paddock.
97. The wind is blowing but nothing is moving.
98. The umbrella is up but there's no rain.
99. A few colors short of a rainbow.
100. As bright as a lamp in Aladdin's cave.
101. The boat doesn't have all the oars in the water.
102. A few boats short of a fleet.
103. A monosynaptic cretin (Don't understand it? 'nuff said)
104. A few noodles short of a chow mein.
105. A few bristles short of a broom.
106. A few snags short of a barbie.
107. Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
108. Hasn't seen the ball since kickoff.
109. The relative IQ of a deck chair.
110. A poster child for birth control.
111. A few players short of a team.
112. Couldn't hit the floor if he fell on it.
113. A few sheep short of a flock.
114. If you stand close enough to them you can hear the sea.
115. They have an IQ lower than their shoe size.
116. A few gunmen short of a posse.
117. As sharp as a pound of wet liver.
118. Not the quickest horse in the stable.

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Old 02-25-2005, 03:37 PM   #5
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

FINE! Hijack my thread! LOL JK That's pretty good.
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:38 PM   #6
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

<page 2>

Oxymorons
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a list of less than intelligent oxes. This is a list of rhetorical figures in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined. How do you like that definition?

For a huge collection of oxymorons, take a look at oxymorons.info.
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Guest host
3. Mutually exclusive
4. First-strike defense
5. Department of Interior (responsible for everything outside ..???...)
6. Pretty ugly
7. A little big
8. Recently new
9. Severely killed
10. Union workers
11. Good grief
12. Friendly competitor
13. Honest Lawyer
14. Committed schedule
15. Clean hack
16. Violent Agreement
17. This page intentionally left blank
18. "Thank God I'm an Atheist"
19. Better than New
20. One Size Fits All
21. Tax Return
22. Constant change
23. Paperless Office
24. Rapid Transit
25. Freezer burn
26. Inside out
27. New classic
28. Soft rock
29. Definite maybe
30. Act naturally
31. Taped live
32. Found missing
33. 12-ounce pound cake
34. Plastic glasses
35. Advanced BASIC
36. Exact estimate
37. Extinct life
38. Same difference
39. Working vacation
40. Clearly misunderstood
41. Almost exactly
42. Tight slacks
43. Passive aggressive
44. Silent scream
45. Terribly pleased
46. Sweet sorrow
47. Small crowd
48. Synthetic natural gas
49. Genuine imitation
50. Airline Food
51. Political Science
52. Government Organization
53. Military Intelligence
54. Temporary Tax Increase
55. Rap Music
56. Peacekeeping Force
57. Microsoft Works
58. Childproof
59. Religious Tolerance
60. Christian Science
61. Native American
62. Evolutionary Theory
63. Business Ethics
64. Honest Politician
65. Born dead
66. Bit to big

<cont on next page>
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:38 PM   #7
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<cont from above>
67. Thinking out
68. Quiet loudspeaker
69. Wind Burn
70. Terribly Good
71. Terrific Head Ache
72. Resident alien
73. Sanitary landfill
74. Alone together
75. Legally drunk
76. Living dead
77. Butt head
78. Peace force
79. Army intelligence
80. Living dead
81. Heartfelt Politics
82. Cafeteria Food
83. Drawing a blank
84. Positively negative
85. Deafening silence
86. Mournful optimist
87. Good beating
88. Quiet riot
89. Simple calculus
90. Civil war
91. Brilliantly dull
92. Mild jalepeno
93. Realistic liberal
94. Silent screaming
95. Shouting whispers
96. Hell's angels
97. American beauty
98. Silent Women
99. The Peace War
100. Cat fish
101. Ethiopian Feast
102. Holy war
103. New and improved
104. Ghetto Punk
105. Good morning
106. Government assistance
107. A fine mess
108. Bittersweet
109. Peaceful war
110. Talkative mime
111. Tactical mass destruction
112. Sweet and sour sauce
113. Peaceful dragons (trust me on this one.)
114. Courage the Cowardly dog
115. Friendly fire (as in firearms)
116. Democratic dictatorship
117. Strangely normal
118. Little big horn
119. Plastic silverware
120. Lead astray
121. Cold sweat.
122. Metal wood (golf)
123. Waterproof washoff
124. Dry ice
125. Safe sex
126. Original copy
127. Cruel kindness
128. Laborious idleness
129. Industrial Action (usually means a strike)
130. Sweet tart
131. Icy hot
132. Real fake
133. Dull roar.
134. Loose tights.
135. Slow speed.
136. Non-fat cream.
137. Kosher ham.
138. Graduate student.
139. Virtual reality.
140. Constant variable.
141. Paid volunteer.
142. Science fiction.
143. Original copy.
144. Long shorts
145. Old news

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Old 02-25-2005, 03:39 PM   #8
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

Holy moly! That's lot!
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:40 PM   #9
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Palindromes
A palindrome is a word, phrase, verse, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward. Taking a normal word like "browse" and typing "browse swobr" doesn't count because it doesn't make any sense. It has to be a valid sentence to be a true palindrome.

1. Naomi, sex at noon taxes. I moan.
2. Never odd or even.
3. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
4. Madam, I'm Adam.
5. Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
6. Sit on Otis.
7. Go Hang a Salami, I'm a Lasagna Hog!
8. Too Hot to Hoot
9. Was it a bat I saw?
10. Some men interpret nine memos.
11. Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.
12. Lee had a heel.
13. I saw desserts; I'd no lemons; alas, no melon. Distressed was I.
14. I was now won, saw I
15. God met I, NIN item dog
16. Bob
17. Saippuakauppias
18. Mom
19. Dad
20. Hannah
21. Otto
22. So many dynamos
23. Enid and Edna dine
24. "Reviled did I live," said I, as evil I did deliver
25. Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
26. 10/02/2001
27. Pam loots a stool map
28. Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas
29. Abba
30. 10/11/01
31. Radar
32. Kayak
33. Nurses run
34. Rotator
35. Live was i ere i saw evil
36. Yo banana boy
37. "Not for Cecil?" asks Alice Crofton.
38. Now do I repay a period won.
39. Selim's tired; no wonder, it's Miles.
40. He was as a saw, eh?
41. Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?
42. "Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod.
43. 10/22/01
44. Able was I, ere, I saw Elba
45. Level
46. Toot
47. Did
48. Redivider
49. Word row
50. Swap God for a janitor, rot in a jar of dog paws.
51. Wo, Nemo, toss a lasso to me now!
52. Ten animals slam in a net
53. Go dog
54. Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
55. Did I, debating, Nita dating, Nita bed? I did.
56. Tons forever of snot!
57. Natasha lived as a devil. Ah, Satan!
58. Devil lived
59. To rococo rot
60. Rise to vote, sir
61. Redder
62. Stats
63. Aibohphobia (tongue-in-cheek word for fear of palindromes)
64. Noon
65. Boob
66. Wow
67. Ni talar bra latin! (Swedish for: you speak good latin)
68. Dr. Awkward
69. Oh poop ho!
70. Neil, an alien
71. Racecar
72. Was it a cat I saw?
73. Do geese see God?
74. Emily's Sassy Lime
75. 2/02/02
76. Kayak
77. T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I'd assign it a name: 'Gnat dirt upset on drab pot toilet'.

<cont on next page>
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:41 PM   #10
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<cont from above>
78. Rats live on no evil star
79. Oh no! Don Ho!
80. Smart trams
81. SPAM maps
82. Name no one man
83. Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna
84. Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap
85. Level? No, I tan, I'm at no contamination level
86. Now, Ned, I am a maiden nun; Ned, I am a maiden won.
87. We repaid a no name Pacific ape man on a diaper, ew!
88. Yo, boy! Trap gnus, nude. 'Kangaroo Rag' naked unsung party, O boy!
89. Did I strap red nude, red rump, also slap murdered underparts? I did!
90. Doc, note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
91. Degas, are we not drawn onward, we freer few, drawn onward to new eras aged?
92. Garret, I ogle. Enemy democrats party; trap star comedy men, eel goiter rag.
93. Lived on Decaf, Faced no Devil
94. Evil olive.
95. Tar rat
96. Star rats
97. Yo bro, free beer for boy
98. I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori
99. Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic
100. 20:02 20/02 2002
101. Was it a car or a cat I saw?
102. Liam and Edna mail.
103. 111,111,111 * 111,111,111 = 12345678987654321
104. A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
105. Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
106. I'm a lasagna ham, ma hang a salami.
107. Noise: Lenin is an asinine lesion.
108. Sinatra tall a Tartan is.
109. Ma's made la cheese, eh Cal, Edam, Sam?
110. Animals are all in a vanilla era's lamina.
111. Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.
112. A new order began, a more Roman age bred Rowena.
113. A dog, a plan, a canal: pagoda
114. Tara Lee has a lad; alas, a heel, a rat.
115. Dana did an ad.
116. A hero, glad Al Gore. Ha!
117. Keep eels asleep. Eek!
118. A toyota.
119. Star comedy by democrats.
120. Golf? No, sir. Prefer prison flog.
121. Step on no pets.
122. Dennis and Edna sinned.
123. A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal - Panama.
124. No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.
125. God, a red nugget. A fat egg under a dog.
126. Live on time, emit no evil.
127. Dogma: I am God
128. Toronto, I riot! No rot! (Inspired by garbage strike in Toronto).
129. Llama mall.
130. Rot in a jar of pot no dumb mud on top for a janitor.
131. Now sir, a war is never even sir, a war is won.
132. No lemon, no melon
133. Flee to me, remote elf.
134. As I pee, sir, I see Pisa.
135. Did Bob poop? Bob did!
136. Dennis ,Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo,
137. Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena,
138. Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan,
139. Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne,
140. Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina,
141. Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.
142. Bird rib
143. Drowsy sword
144. Pullup
145. Civic
146. Senile felines.
147. Step on no pets.
148. Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
149. Poor Dan is in a droop.
150. No it is open on one position.
151. Lonely Tylenol.
152. I saw rail rats live on radar. No evil-star liar was I.
153. A Dan, a clan, a canal, Canada.
154. Yo basil is a boy.
155. Murder for a jar of red rum.
156. Race fast, safe car.
157. Too bat I hit a boot.
158. Warsaw was raw.
159. A santa at NASA.

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Old 02-25-2005, 03:42 PM   #11
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

those are good!
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:43 PM   #12
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

Yeah, they are! Talk about taking my thread over...
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:43 PM   #13
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

Pickup Lines
I don't know how far these lines will get you, and I will take no blame if they don't work. Feel free to submit ones that have worked for you but please keep it clean. We don't want to get too risque and some girls will give you a good slap in the face if you try one of those on them.

1. Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
2. You must be tired because you've been running through my dreams all night
3. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
4. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
5. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
6. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
7. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
8. Was your dad king? He must have been to make a princess like you.
9. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
10. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
11. You are the reason men fall in love.
12. I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
13. If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
14. When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor, so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
15. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
16. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
17. Can I borrow a quarter? I told my Mom I'd call when I met the girl of my dreams.
18. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
19. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something, my jaw!
20. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
21. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
22. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
23. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
24. Was your father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
25. Was your Dad a baker? Because you've got a nice set of buns.
26. You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!
27. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
28. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
29. If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
30. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
31. Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?
32. Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
33. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
34. Are you related to Mike Tyson? Because you knock me out.
35. If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGourgous.
36. Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
37. How you doin?
38. Please come here, I'm desperate.
39. Didn't we go to different schools together?
40. Guy: Did you just fart? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because you just blew me away.
41. If I had a nickel for every girl as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents
42. Would you like some visene? Why? So you can see our clear future together.
43. I hear your body is made up of 75% water, man am I thirsty!
44. Do you sleep on your stomach? (No) Can I?
45. I love you, you're the best.
46. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you I'd be walking in a garden forever.
47. You're so sweet I'm getting cavities.
48. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
49. If I had a camera, I'd use the whole roll.
50. Your name must be Lucky Charms, cause you're magically delicious.
51. Baby, have you been eaten your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
52. Are you wearing lipstick? Mind if I taste it?
53. If I were bread, would you be my butter?
54. God was showing off when he made you.
55. Is your name Elmo? Because I want to tickle you all over.
56. Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
57. Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy/gal or will I do?
58. Aieeeah! Your eyes glow like the twin suns!
59. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
60. I'm The Man in Demand
61. There's a star in the sky for every time I think of you
62. Hi, I'm incredibly rich.
63. I've noticed you noticing me and I'm just giving you notice that I've noticed you!
64. Do you have a boyfriend?
65. I know somebody who likes you but if I weren't so shy, I'd tell you who.

<cont below>
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:45 PM   #14
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

AHAHAH!!! LMAO! I should try those sometime!
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:45 PM   #15
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

<cont from above>
66. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
67. Statistically speaking, the most effective pickup line of all time is "I love you".
68. You must be a parking ticket (or book), because you have fine written all over you.
69. Excuse me, do you have the time? Woman: No. Man: Well I have the time and it says I have time for you alllll the time
70. Can I dip you in chocolate?
71. Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with me like a nice little fellow?
72. Hi, what's your name? Did you go to (put in a place) yesterday? (No) Oh right, that was in my dream.
73. I heard milk does a body good but man, how much have you been drinking?
74. If love were a drop of water, I'd be in the Atlantic Ocean.
75. If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for fear of losing you.
76. You know what I fell in? (What?) Love with you.
77. Excuse me, do you have Band-aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.
78. Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.
79. Hi, my name is (insert your name here)
80. Life without you is like a pencil without lead, pointless.
81. I'm a genetic engineer and I need to utilize your body for a stem cell experiment. It shouldn't hurt too bad.
82. My love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in.
83. I think I've seen your picture somewhere. Oh yes, it was in the dictionary under SHA-BAM!
84. You're so hot that you make the sun jealous.
85. Do you know what the square root of 81 is? (Hopefully they say nine) Oh, then you are not just another pretty face.
86. I lost my teddy bear. Can I cuddle with you instead?
87. You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
88. Hey c'mon now, I'm ugly, you're ugly, it's perfect.
89. Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out!
90. I should call the police because you're stealing my heart.
91. You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.
92. I can't wait until tomorrow. Somehow you get prettier every day.
93. If wishes came true I'd be having dinner with you tonight.
94. Girl: I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I have a(n) (some instrument) lesson. Guy: (instrument)? I thought angels played harps.
95. Excuse me, you look sexy, what's your name?
96. If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.
97. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business, and speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
98. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
99. ASL?
100. Can I have your heart? I need it to be complete and I don't feel whole without you.
101. It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?
102. Gently rub the girl's back and say, "I thought angels had wings."
103. You must be the cause of global warming.
104. I don't think a firefighter could put you out.
105. It looks like you need a man in your life. How about me?
106. Um, you have really beautiful...uh...eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is...you have a nice forehead, er ah...Do you believe in when I walk by...(To yourself) Oh man, STUPID STUPID STUPID!

<cont below>
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:47 PM   #16
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

<cont from above>
67. Statistically speaking, the most effective pickup line of all time is "I love you".
68. You must be a parking ticket (or book), because you have fine written all over you.

69. Excuse me, do you have the time? Woman: No. Man: Well I have the time and it says I have time for you alllll the time
70. Can I dip you in chocolate?
71. Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with me like a nice little fellow?
72. Hi, what's your name? Did you go to (put in a place) yesterday? (No) Oh right, that was in my dream.
73. I heard milk does a body good but man, how much have you been drinking?
74. If love were a drop of water, I'd be in the Atlantic Ocean.
75. If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for fear of losing you.
76. You know what I fell in? (What?) Love with you.
77. Excuse me, do you have Band-aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.
78. Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.
79. Hi, my name is (insert your name here)
80. Life without you is like a pencil without lead, pointless.
81. I'm a genetic engineer and I need to utilize your body for a stem cell experiment. It shouldn't hurt too bad.
82. My love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in.
83. I think I've seen your picture somewhere. Oh yes, it was in the dictionary under SHA-BAM!
84. You're so hot that you make the sun jealous.
85. Do you know what the square root of 81 is? (Hopefully they say nine) Oh, then you are not just another pretty face.
86. I lost my teddy bear. Can I cuddle with you instead?
87. You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
88. Hey c'mon now, I'm ugly, you're ugly, it's perfect.
89. Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out!
90. I should call the police because you're stealing my heart.
91. You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.
92. I can't wait until tomorrow. Somehow you get prettier every day.
93. If wishes came true I'd be having dinner with you tonight.
94. Girl: I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I have a(n) (some instrument) lesson. Guy: (instrument)? I thought angels played harps.
95. Excuse me, you look sexy, what's your name?
96. If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.
97. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business, and speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
98. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
99. ASL?
100. Can I have your heart? I need it to be complete and I don't feel whole without you.
101. It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?
102. Gently rub the girl's back and say, "I thought angels had wings."
103. You must be the cause of global warming.
104. I don't think a firefighter could put you out.
105. It looks like you need a man in your life. How about me?
106. Um, you have really beautiful...uh...eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is...you have a nice forehead, er ah...Do you believe in when I walk by...(To yourself) Oh man, STUPID STUPID STUPID!

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Old 02-25-2005, 03:49 PM   #17
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

Trivia
I don't know how true some of these are, but I don't think that's the point. Isn't it really handy to have something witty to say when the conversation is dragging? For instance, if someone sneezes, you will now be able to tell them that water just came screaming out of their mouth at 60mph instead of giving them the boring old "Gesundheit!" What more could you ask for?

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.
2. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
3. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP
4. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
5. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
6. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
7. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year, so be careful.
8. One of the longest one-syllable words in the English language is screeched. (Strengths is another one.)
9. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
11. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
12. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
13. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
15. Typewriter is the only ten letter word you can type on the top row of your keyboard.
16. A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
17. Things that are Canadian, or invented by Canadians: Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Jim Carey, Basketball, the 24 time zone divisions, Hockey, Apple Pie and the reason the Whitehouse is white. The Canadians burned the capital to the ground, and the US repainted it.
18. 65% of statistics are made up.
19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
20. If Barbie were life size her measurements would be 39-23-33
21. A duck's quack does not echo. No one knows why.
22. Pinocchio is Italian for pine eye (Pino is Italian for pine, Occhio is Italian for eye)
23. Camels milk doesn't curdle.
24. Murpheys oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
25. Porcupines float in water.
26. Cats urine glows under a black light.
27. Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
28. In every episode of Seinfeld there's a superman somewhere.
29. Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
30. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
31. 91% of Americans lie daily.
32. "two plus eleven" and "one plus twelve" not only give the same result but use the same letters
33. With lunchables you have 50% less crackers then toppings. To use them all with no left overs you would have to do two toppings per cracker.

<cont below>
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:49 PM   #18
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

34. When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.
35. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite
36. On a Canadian 2 dollar bill the flag flying over the parliament building appears to be an American flag. It's actually Canada's earlier flag of the Red Ensign.
37. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated
38. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar
39. Almonds are a member of the peach family
40. There are 366 dimples on a regulation golf ball
41. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge
42. "Angry" and "hungry" are the only words in the English language ending in "-gry" (although gry is a word, it does not *end* in -gry, since a suffix requires the word before it to be a word)
43. Sloths are actually fast, they just prefer to move at a slow pace
44. There are 2 families who have produced 2 US presidents, Bush and Adams.
45. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes
46. Humans and horses are the only two animals that have hymens
47. Polish is the only word in the english language that has two completely different meanings when the first letter is capitalized.
48. The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcaniccounioisis
49. Margaret Kerry was the live action model for Walt Disney's Tinkerbell.
50. 111,111,111 * 111,111,111 = 12345678987654321
51. The average human lies at least twice a day.
52. Before Late Night Television, Jay Leno appeared in an episode of Laverne and Shirley.
53. In "American Graffiti", the license plate on Richard Dreyfusses' car is changed every time you see it.
54. Humans, dolphins and apes are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure.
55. The shortest 5 syllable word in the english language is ideology.
56. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
57. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
58. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
59. There are more chickens than people in the world.
60. Two thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
61. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
62. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
63. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
64. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
65. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
66. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
67. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
68. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
69. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
70. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
71. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
72. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
73. Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
74. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
75. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
76. Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
77. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
78. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
79. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
80. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in ten different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman swam through the lough at Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
81. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
82. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
83. Facetious, abstemious and arsenious contain all the vowels in the correct order.
84. The sloth's metabolism is so slow that it can stay under water for more than 30 minutes and not drown.
85. Spanish moss is a close relative of the pineapple.
86. "A quick sly fox jumped over the lazy brown dog" has every letter in the alphabet. So does "The five boxing wizards jump quickly."
87. 'Cash Lost In 'Em' is an anagram of 'Slot Machines'
88. Horses can't throw up (Explanation)
89. A turkey can drown if it looks up while it's raining.
90. The term "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass mokey" started when sailors in the navy witnessed the stack of cannon balls tumble off a steel plate called a brass monkey in winters on the oceans.
91. The electric door bell was invented by Joseph Henry in 1831
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:50 PM   #19
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Food for Thought
These are things that make you go hmmm. Some of them are valid questions that I would like to know the answer to. Others can be explained but still give you something to think about. You should always be questioning your surroundings anyway, so here's a chance for you to articulate those questions and publish them on the web.

1. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
2. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
3. Why do women wear evening gowns to go out at night? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.
6. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
10. If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?
11. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
12. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
13. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
14. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
15. Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year?
16. Why are there braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad?
17. Why does a ship carry cargo, and a car carry shipments?
18. Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn't they be good at it by now?
19. Why does cleave mean both to adhere and separate?
20. If you got in a cab and the driver drove backwards would he end up owing you money?
21. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
22. When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?
23. What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your head lights on?
24. If you throw a cat out your car window does it become kitty litter?
25. Sean Fitzpatrick, but does Patrick fit Sean?
26. streetsign: "To the Braille Institute". Who's it for?
27. If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where the heck does baby oil come from?
28. If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?
29. Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?
30. Why do people in Alaska buy white cars?
31. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
32. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
33. If you're in France and you order toast, do you get toast or French toast?
34. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
37. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
38. Is there another word for synonym?
39. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
40. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
41. If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make it stick to the pan?
42. If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
43. Why don't psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire?
44. If you hate all prejudice people, are you a hypoocrite?
45. Why do they call them apartments, when they're all together?
46. Who was the idiot that decided to put an "s" in the word lisp?
47. Why is the word for "a fear of long words" so long? (Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia)
48. Where does your lap go when you stand up?
49. If instant oatmeal is instant, then why does it take 1 to 2 minutes to cook in the microwave?
50. You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but why can't you be simply whelmed?
51. Why is it that when the batteries in your remote control wear out you just push the buttons harder?
52. Can fat people go skinny dipping?
53. Why do they use artificial lemon juice in bottled lemon juice and use real lemon juice in dish soap?
54. Why don't they make the entire airplane out of the same material that the indestructible black box is made of?
55. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
56. If a cannibal ate a clown, would it taste funny?
57. If you try to fail, and you fail, have you succeeded or failed?
58. Why are boxing rings square?
59. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
60. Shouldn't the opposite of shut up be shut down?
61. Why do you always find things in the last place you looked?
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
63. Why is phoenetically not pronounced phoenetically?
64. If I dreamed of being chased by a giant squirrel would that make me a nut?

<cont below>
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Old 02-25-2005, 03:51 PM   #20
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Default Re: 14 Lines to make you smile

65. Why do people order a super-sized Big Mac™ meal with a Diet Coke?
66. Why do people have worthless junk in the garage and leave their expensive car in the driveway?
67. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
68. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
69. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
70. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
71. Why do they call it a building? It looks like they are finished Why isn't it a built?
72. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
73. Did you ever wonder why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
74. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
75. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
76. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
77. How do a fool and his money get together in the first place?
78. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
79. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
80. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
81. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
82. Why do banks charge you a "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
83. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
84. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
85. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
86. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
87. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
88. How come there aren't B batteries?
89. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
90. Is a metaphor like a simile?
91. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
92. How is it possible to have a civil war?
93. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
94. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
95. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
96. If crime doesn't pay does that mean that my job is a crime?
97. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
98. How can there be self-help "groups"?
99. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
100. How do you throw away a garbage can?
101. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
102. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
103. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
104. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
105. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
106. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
107. How do you remove a club soda stain?
108. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
109. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
110. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
111. How do blind people know when they are done wiping their behinds?
112. If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why bother practice?
113. If hunting season means you can kill animals, and fishing season means you can catch fish, what is the tourist season?
114. Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they are already
115. there?
116. How do hearing aid companies expect potential customers to hear their commercials?
117. When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
118. Why is there neither pine nor apple in pineapple?
119. Why does the arcade game "Donkey Kong" have a monkey? Why isn't it called Monkey Kong?
120. Why do lumberjacks cut trees down and then chop them up?
121. What's the deal with Grapenuts? They're neither grape nor nuts.
122. How do people get discombobulated? Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?
123. If we call people from Poland poles why don't we call people from Holand holes?
124. If a rabbit's foot was actually lucky, wouldn't it still be attached to the rabbit's leg?
125. Why does Goofy talk and wear clothes while Pluto barks naked?
126. If you wanted to mummify a fly, would you use dental floss?
127. If the husband dies, the wife is called a widow, if a child's parents die, it is called an orphan. Why isn't there a word for a parent that loses a child?
128. Why do they call it baby-sitting when all you do is run after them?
129. Why is it called American football when they rarely use their feet to play?
130. Why do you put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
131. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
132. Why does an alarm clock said to go "off" when it actually turns on?
133. Why are they stairs inside but steps outside?
134. Why does pizza come in a square box?
135. How does a fish sleep?
136. Why are feet smelly and noses runny?
137. Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants?
138. If you sued a parsley farmer could you garnish his wages?
139. Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?

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