Worried about my girlfriend

[S.shepherd1983]

Hey, I'm a newby here with a dilemma. I recently was using my girlfriend's computer to fill out some financial aid stuff for school and her web browser started suggesting pornography sites as I was typing. On further inspection it turns out she has not only been looking at a lot of porn sites, but she has videos of herself on her webcam on her computer doing very dirty things to herself, which I have never seen and frankly am quite appalled by. I'm not sure how to address this with her, although I recognize that it is a topic which must be addressed. Help!?

[muz]

Well this is a computer forum so Im not so sure your in the right place for help but ahh well your here now . The other thing I have to say about this is that the advice you get will be very much based on peoples experiences or opinions of what you should do and as we know opinons dont necessarily have to be rational . Nobody here knows your gf like you do and we dont know how she might react to it being brought up or the nature of your relationship with her . Everybodys relationship is different.

The first thing I will ask is what worries you about addressing it with her ?

If i where in your situation where my partner has done something that made me feel like that I would defiantly bring it up with her sooner rather than later , I know it might be a difficult thing to do but now that you have seen these videos and they have made you feel how you have you cant help that you wont be able to suppress that memory . And the last thing you want to do is bring it up in the middle of an argument when you are both mad at each other . Chose your timing well , dont do it for example 5 minutes before you are due to go out to see parents or friends or something as this could be a long conversation you are having with her . Don't do it when she is under a lot of stress either from work or whatever else as she might not react in the best possible way .

Another thing , before you talk to her about it what is the outcome you want from this ? , there is no point having the discussion unless you have an outcome in mind . Do you want her to delete the videos , do you want her to explain , do you want her to apologize and do you want her to promise to never do it again . All of these are things you need to bear in mind .
Also bear in mind how she is going to react , like i said its your gf so you are better qualified at knowing this than we are , if you think she might be upset what are you going to do in that event ? your appalled yes but will you still be able to comfort her and reassure her it will be alright ?

[Dngrsone]

I wish I could add some insight to muz's post but I can't-- he's covered it quite well.

[celegorm]

I'm going to echo Muz for a minute here and say agian that this being a computer forum might not be the best place to find an answer. However, since you seem to be sincere with trying to address this like a man (which is pretty rare by the way) I'll offer what insight I can, from one adult to another.

I want to start by asking you a question. Why is her looking at porn a bad thing? We seem to have this idea in America that no female looks at porn which is simply not true. Most of my female friends admit to watching it on a semi-regular basis. You said it appalled you so I'm not sure if that's because of this stigma we have against girls watching porn or maybe it's a religious/cultural thing for you.

If it is a religious or cultural thing that goes against your beliefs, what do you want to happen? I see three possible outcomes here:

1. You could ask her to stop, which could lead to a little resentment or even watching it behind your back
2. Reconise that she does have urges too and move on (which in my opinion is the best of the options)
3. Or, if it's a big enough issue, leave her.

Obviously none of those choices are easy but those tend to be how this works out (from personal experiences being on the other end). Again, I think that the best option is number 2. Watching porn is far from cheating on you and is a great way to relieve stress. Who knows, maybe you two could enjoy watching it together.

About the videos, why did you go looking for more things to get angry at? Yes, I would have done the same thing in the heat of the moment but in the end it really does nothing besides make you more upset, and her upset later for looking through her personal files. You neglected to mention how "new" those videos were, or even how long you two have been dating. Maybe they were for an old boyfriend that she never deleted or needed extra cash at some point and got paid for it. From what you've told us, we don't even know that she is still making those videos. I would ask her about them, but be prepared to hear that it was for an ex, or for a job. In this day and age it is very common as people try to make ends meet.

As always, Muz has great input on actually talking to her. Pick the time very carefully and be ready to listen. Most importantly, do NOT be confrontational. Finding that she's been visiting porn sites is one thing because of how it showed itself, but snooping for the files is another. If you go in yelling/angry i can guarantee she will be nothing but defensive and nothing good will happen.

And have the questions Muz asked answered. Also have loose plans on what you will do if you like her answers and don't like them. I say loose because you should always leave room to compromise the outcome.

Good luck.

[~Darkseeker~]

personally, i'd drop the b!tch

straight outta my house, but that's just me and i ain't nice

[Cabbs]

www.reddit.com/r/relationships
www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice

[muz]

Originally Posted by celegorm

I want to start by asking you a question. Why is her looking at porn a bad thing? We seem to have this idea in America that no female looks at porn which is simply not true. Most of my female friends admit to watching it on a semi-regular basis. You said it appalled you so I'm not sure if that's because of this stigma we have against girls watching porn or maybe it's a religious/cultural thing for you.

If it is a religious or cultural thing that goes against your beliefs, what do you want to happen? I see three possible outcomes here:

1. You could ask her to stop, which could lead to a little resentment or even watching it behind your back
2. Reconise that she does have urges too and move on (which in my opinion is the best of the options)
3. Or, if it's a big enough issue, leave her.

This is actually a really important issue for you to consider , I completely neglected that from my post . If it does make you feel uncomfortable I feel personally as an adult that asking another adult to change something they do or enjoy doing is unfair in a relationship and from what I have seen/experienced only leads to resentment which in turn leads to a very nasty end . Think of how it would make you feel if she asked you to stop doing something . Assuming she is an adult despite her being your girlfriend you should still give her the freedom to make choices and spend her time doing whatever she wishes , once you try to control one aspect of her life that for me is where I see relationships going downhill as a number of things can go wrong

The only way I personally think you could deal with this and still engage in a relationship with this girl is to accept the fact that she watches porn , you dont have to agree with her that its a good thing but if you accept that she does it and agree that it isn't something you talk about however you have to be 100% sure in your mind that you can accept it without it being an issue for you

I made the mistake very recently of thinking a girl was all sweet and innocent when it turned out she actually was a lot dirtier and more experienced than I had imagined , ever heard the phrase dont judge a book by its cover its certainly true to life .

Like I said talking to her and being open about your feelings is your only real option here with the way you are feeling , And dont be surprised if she asks why you went through her computer and found stuff she might not necessarily have wanted you to see .

Originally Posted by ~Darkseeker~

personally, i'd drop the b!tch

straight outta my house, but that's just me and i ain't nice

A bit hasty to make such an assumption/decision without all of the facts at hand though surely

[Collette]

I suggest don't take your clothes of at her house or you will be featured on red tube

[~Darkseeker~]

Originally Posted by muz

This is actually a really important issue for you to consider , I completely neglected that from my post . If it does make you feel uncomfortable I feel personally as an adult that asking another adult to change something they do or enjoy doing is unfair in a relationship and from what I have seen/experienced only leads to resentment which in turn leads to a very nasty end . Think of how it would make you feel if she asked you to stop doing something . Assuming she is an adult despite her being your girlfriend you should still give her the freedom to make choices and spend her time doing whatever she wishes , once you try to control one aspect of her life that for me is where I see relationships going downhill as a number of things can go wrong

The only way I personally think you could deal with this and still engage in a relationship with this girl is to accept the fact that she watches porn , you dont have to agree with her that its a good thing but if you accept that she does it and agree that it isn't something you talk about however you have to be 100% sure in your mind that you can accept it without it being an issue for you

I made the mistake very recently of thinking a girl was all sweet and innocent when it turned out she actually was a lot dirtier and more experienced than I had imagined , ever heard the phrase dont judge a book by its cover its certainly true to life .

Like I said talking to her and being open about your feelings is your only real option here with the way you are feeling , And dont be surprised if she asks why you went through her computer and found stuff she might not necessarily have wanted you to see .


A bit hasty to make such an assumption/decision without all of the facts at hand though surely

nah, i know i would never do that, even if by some weird event i did become single; If my girlfriend did that, she'd be in deep, deep $hit.

[muz]

Originally Posted by ~Darkseeker~

nah, i know i would never do that, even if by some weird event i did become single; If my girlfriend did that, she'd be in deep, deep $hit.

sorry to take this thread a bit ot but this is the type of misogynistic controlling attitude that is wrong with many men today but i see far too often for my liking
I dont see why she should be in trouble though , Honestly If it where my partner that we where talking about here I would see no issue with what has happened , finding the vids would be a bit strange but I accept that everyone has a past and I would obv want to walk about them find out the how and why etc find out where we stand but she wouldn't be in any trouble .Even if i dont agree with her decisions she is an adult who am I to say "she'd be in deep, deep $hit." if i cant handle her ability to make her own decisions as an adult maybe im not grown up enough to be in a relationship in the first place .
I have never said to women your in trouble in a serious way because If she does something that bad I cant live with it I would break it off with her thus far though that has not happened I have always accepted that the women I have been involved with have been adults and its not my place to second guess her every decision and control her life in that way by saying your in trouble now . Im not her daddy or boss at the end of the day we are meant to be there for each other

The watching porn I fully accept I do it so why cant she . As Celegorm said I dont see why we have this strange view that all women are innocent I for one can confirm that not all women are innocent and I had to learn this the hard way by judging a book by its cover