Go Back   Computer Forums > Welcome To Computer Forums .org > Social Lounge | Off Topic
Click Here to Login
Join Computer forums Today

Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 02-06-2005, 07:41 PM   #1
Lord Kalthorn's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Britain
Posts: 13,293
Send a message via MSN to Lord Kalthorn
Default Just out of interest

I have been writing a story for a vast amount of time. So long, was a a 40 year old woman I would say longer than I care to remmember. I have started my 6th Revision (do not be fooled by the word revision; I have yet to finish more than 5 Chapters of the Story). Anyway; you're the most intelligent pool of knowledge I know of and I am all up for opinions on the first page of my new Revision's Prologue. I know some people don't read Prologue, I know I don't, but opinions would be greatly appreciated Even bad ones

Originally Posted by The Orb of Light: Prologue
It was only a dim flicker of light on the horizon, not more than a glow which covered the stars above that had reigned supreme in the sky for thousands of years beforehand that the first morning began. The greens of the new grass shone, the light blue of the new day sky, the white fluffiness of the newborn clouds gently flew through the sky, the black waters of the night turned into beautiful blue lagoons, deep enchanted blue oceans filled with teaming animal life, transparent fountains and waterfalls in the wilderness. The mountains stood proud and tall in the new sky, their stone gleaming in the new light of this great morning.

The greatest work of Ķa, the Creator, was almost complete in all its glory; all there was left was to put upon the earth the eight Immortals who would lead this shining and glorious new world. The eight Immortals to oversee the eight planes of the World stretching from the Peak of Mount Gigatron which was actually in the Light Plane where Ķa resides, to the Eighth Plane deep within the crust of the earth many hundreds of Leagues under the Sea where the great columns of the world hold up the Planes. Eethbert was the first; Eethbert of Thalmor was put upon the great cliff of Garath-Salidorat which overlooked the vast lowlands of the Second Plane which slowly and smoothly went down towards the Sea. There he eventually built his doorway to the Second Plane that hung over the cliff and sprawled out onto vast expanses of what then became Thoronia; he called it Greathanc and journeyed there often from the Fortress of Mount Gigatron which was his Capital to view the sun rise over the Mount Gigatron Peak from the East. Hu’Zak was the second; and was put upon the beautiful meadows of Kimanchou that were lush and green with the new light of the world. Upon that field of green he thereafter built a massive Fortress of Black Marble taken from the surrounding cliffs where the First and Second Planes separated.

The third to be put upon the earth was Taldona; who was placed upon the waves and quickly learned to swim and glide and breathe beneath the great Oceans of the World where she built her great underwater city of Tal Dalagon. In the underground vastness of Tarn Dalgorath within the Fourth Plane of the Earth the great master of sight Dalgor was created, and in the close deep beneath and within the mountains he created his massive underground cities with the help of vast mining and gold trade. Below these four great Immortals of old were Galdorath, Flambur, Baers, and Pluto. Galdorath was ruler of the under-passages from the Fourth to the Fifth Planes; Flambur controlled the deep chasms, in which most of the dungeons of Mount Gigatron were in of the Fifth Dimension; Baers was ruler of the great columns beneath the earth which held it up, the Foundations of the each were treacherous as Baers never did like his post as ruler of the dark inhabited place and created great creatures to match the great size of the Foundations to keep them in good condition; Pluto was ruler of the Eighth Plane, a dreadful desolate place filled with Lava and Ash and Fire.

Years past quickly in the newborn world. Decades flew past each other like weeks to the Immortals and slowly they began to realise there was something missing; they needed to create something, create some people in their image who they could interact with and teach and help grow. Eethbert began it; he created the first born Thalmorians Alexandra and John who in turn created their own offspring who eventually interacted with the offspring of more Thalmorians which Eethbert later created to produce more Thalmorians. His lust for life lead him to interact with his children greatly; and it was said that he himself sired a good number of the newborn Thalmorians; leading to even greater length of life than Eethbert had originally given them and amazing powers which showed themselves in some families for generations. It was two thousand years before John died; and not long after before Alexandra died. Both were mourned by the Thalmorians, having been related to most of the people, and good friends to anybody else. Not long after Alexandra’s death; which Eethbert was greatly saddened by, being extremely close to Alexandra even more than to John Eethbert created the Thoronians from the remains of Alexandra, and the Mountaninanousans from the remains of John.

Constantly jealous of Eethbert; a few years after he got word of the creation of the Thalmorians Hu’Zak created his own people in his image. The Kimanchou Bunnies roamed far and wide; putting their towns and cities far beyond the previous land known to Hu’Zak. North up into the deep frozen wastelands of the Balfarwa his creations spread quickly, south into the grasslands where they used up all the natural resources and began mining operations to find iron and coal to build their machinery. Hu’Zak’s creations multiplied quickly and massed all over the land. They started moving East; not being able to move West through dislike of Eethbert and the long sight of Mount Gigatron, into dead planes where they built more cities and more towns and the great Kimanchou Mothers bore more Kimanchou Bunnies in which to conquer all of the Eastern Lands. It was not long afterwards; as news reached Kimanchou of the deaths of John and Alexandra that the Thoronians and the Mountaninanousans were created, that Hu’Zak forged his own race of Men. In the deserts to the south of Gah, a new civilization of Gem Miners created by Dalgor Hu’Zak created the Galdenese and it was there; with the help of his Kimanchou Bunnies that he sealed his friendship with Pluto deep within the earth. For they dug straight through the rock of the world and punched into the outside land great plumes of fire from the Eighth Dimension; the only way Hu’Zak could use the fires of evil deep within the earth for his new found love of destruction and jealousy of Eethbert.

It was through this evil, and the power he vested from the centre of the Earth that Hu’Zak fumed darkness to hide the goodness of the sun and stretch it over his lands, covering them in soot and death and pain and vast cities of armouries and barracks and parade grounds. It was this devastation that greeted Eethbert when he speedily returned to the West after hearing of foul affairs going on; and though while riding through the vastness of Kimanchou Territory he came across no opposition, this view of Hu’Zak having done nothing was quickly cut short when he rode up towards the Eastern Thalmorian Fortress of Dan Galdorod where a number of Kimanchou Bunnies previously undefined was laying siege to it, Dozens of Billions awaited Eethbert’s untrained ill-equipped force of mostly Cavalry. A reasonable number of the troops seemed to be from other planes completely; the Baergorths who were loading a, like the army itself innumerable number of catapults were easily distinguishable from the distance.
Yeah, lol, so if you have the time! Read it!

A Knight is sworn to Honour. His heart knows only Virtue. His blade defends the helpless. His might upholds the Weak. His word speaks only truth. His wrath undoes the Wicked.
Lord Kalthorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2005, 08:17 PM   #2
Golden Master
mark thorpe's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,366
Send a message via MSN to mark thorpe Send a message via Yahoo to mark thorpe
Default Re: Just out of interest

Looks good to me!!

mark thorpe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2005, 08:37 PM   #3
In Runtime
MatW's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 165
Send a message via ICQ to MatW
Default Re: Just out of interest

Beautifully written story
- Offshore Staff leasing services
ICQ: 236696307
MatW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2005, 08:54 PM   #4
DarkBlade's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,355
Send a message via MSN to DarkBlade
Default Re: Just out of interest

*AMD ZEN takes out Opteron Cannon* BRING IT LORD KALTHORN!
DarkBlade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2005, 08:57 PM   #5
Daemon Poster
Assassin_666's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,017
Default Re: Just out of interest

yeah not bad, maybe u could give some triats of the peoples that the Immortals create, itll create a better relationship with the reader if they can imagine the peoples and their actions, or just describe the physical appearance of the immortals and then the line "created in their image" will do the rest for u.

Im writing my own book too, ive only got the prologue done, but im happy with it, if anyone wants to see it then make a post and ill display it, i just dont want to rain on Lord Ks parade and dampen it all for him.

-The real criminals are the ones who dont get caught...
-The soldier, above all else prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must bear the wounds and scars of war.
Assassin_666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2005, 11:23 PM   #6
The Candyman
~mr mixx~'s Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 11,355
Default Re: Just out of interest

Hey, I see you finally finished it...Looks good !!
" Let the music move you "
~mr mixx~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2005, 02:53 AM   #7
Golden Master
jac006's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 5,810
Send a message via AIM to jac006
Default Re: Just out of interest

not bad... i must say. im taking AP honors english this year and i couldnt have done better myself. like the visuals in the opening. great effect. my teacher's and oxford gradute so i learn a lot. indeed. keep it up!
Macbook Pro and Logitech z5500s. All you really need.
jac006 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2005, 03:08 AM   #8
Site Team
David Lindon's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,233
Default Re: Just out of interest

Soungs great/
[url=http://www.LNXPS.NET]LNXPS.NET - The XPS Library]
David Lindon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2005, 03:53 AM   #9
Daemon Poster
Assassin_666's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,017
Default Re: Just out of interest

i have a question: is it a story thats all cute n stuff, like animals that talk like the bunny people, i personally dont like that, but thats just me, others might.
its a good allround prologue, ill say it straight out.

-The real criminals are the ones who dont get caught...
-The soldier, above all else prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must bear the wounds and scars of war.
Assassin_666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2005, 04:17 AM   #10
Fully Optimized
airiox's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,692
Default Re: Just out of interest


Check out my Counter Strike:Source servers:
*** GUNGAME ***:
*** SOCCER ***:
airiox is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:32 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0