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Old 01-19-2008, 11:32 PM   #1
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Default For Real Men.

The Code of Men.

I cannot take credit for this masterwork. I am not sure how many legions of brave men died writing this. It first appeared in Maxim, the best magazine ever written. It was sent to me by the very manly Tian Tang of Arizona State University.

1. Thou shall not rent Chocolat

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%

7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.

20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”

25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.

30. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “F&%$ off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.

31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

32. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
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Old 01-19-2008, 11:38 PM   #2
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Default Re: For Real Men.

very nice makes sense.
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Old 01-19-2008, 11:51 PM   #3
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Default Re: For Real Men.

Thank God for ManLaw. But here are a few I've thought of they left out

1: Under no circumstance is a man to pride himself in how his comforters match the rest of his decor.

2: A mans arm chair/lazy boy is his shrine...do not deface it with frilly lace or "decorative" throws. Remote/TV Guide holders that lay over the chair arm are acceptable though. They must be manly in appearance though...also, a good man who has above said remote holder knows to keep extra remote batteries in at least one pouch.

3: Never speak of another man's balls

4: Thou shalt not destroy another mans Ass-Groove. (The "Ass-Groove" is the comfy spot in a mans chair or sofa that is wallowed out by months or years of sitting in the same comfy spot. Don't destroy another mans work..if anything tag team and help him make that puppy better)

5: When there is a sports gathering of any kind where 2 or men are gathered the "move your feet, loose your seat" law applies at ALL TIMES. The only exception is when the beer runs out and the man who volunteers to make a beer run shall attain Hero Status upon his return, he will have first pick of the beer and the best seat in the house. He must however not abuse the privilege by say...taking a piss break every 5 minutes or repeatedly getting up to get crap, if he abuses his Hero Status it will be revoked by a 2/3rds majority vote.

6: When out on the strip cruising for women and in the event there is more than one "Wingman" there shall be a designated "Grenade Jumper", as we all know in every group of good looking women there is a girl who...isn't as nice looking as her friends, hot girls use these friends for 1(protection against men constantly hitting on them, 2(to possibly help friend meet men. The grenade jumper will keep the not so pretty girl busy while the rest of the squad works its magic. The next outing the grenade jumper will have first pick of any women and all other squad mates will have to purchase him one beer apiece.

7: When thou art partying, there shall be a "Designated Drunk" in your group/squad. Someone who will take all the drinks offered to the Designated Drivers. He must remain attentive throughout the party and make sure any drinks offered to the Designated Driver come his way.
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Old 01-19-2008, 11:56 PM   #4
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Default Re: For Real Men.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahyoka View Post
3: Never speak of another man's balls
an exception has to be made when another man decides to do something and you gotta say "im gunna put your balls in a meatgrinder if you do that"
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:10 AM   #5
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Ahh good point Borat...good point. Ball related humor/threats is a great man past time.

8: Thou shall never ask another man "do these jeans make me look fat?" or "does my ass look to big in these?". Those are not the kind of questions you ask a fellow man.

9: Grabbing of the man junk is prohibited...unless it is in a game of trying to hit another man in the gonads, in order to play such reindeer games you must have either a(known and hung out with man/men for more than 3 months or b(have at least attained at "squad mate" status.

10: Under no circumstances shall a man date or marry a woman with more facial hair than himself
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:12 AM   #6
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Default Re: For Real Men.

10. When a fellow man is hitting on a woman, thou shalt not disturb. Unless your friend is an assball, if he is you are welcome to cock block.
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:20 AM   #7
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12: When two men who are friends go to a movie they must leave a empty seat (aka the "I'm not gay" seat.) in between them lest they be considered a couple,

13: In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

14: 19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.
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Old 01-20-2008, 12:33 AM   #8
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Default Re: For Real Men.

15. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 day.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. In urinals, always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
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Old 01-20-2008, 11:56 AM   #9
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Default Re: For Real Men.

Haha, good ones guys, made me laugh!
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Old 01-20-2008, 11:59 AM   #10
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26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.

Haha... those are great.
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