Random Chit Chat
- Thread starter Rubber314Chicken
- Start date
Wallaby Dan
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- 4,469
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- United States
Congrats!
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his
black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why
the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is
a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is
Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent
says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of
her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we
land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The
Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat
down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped
into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so
he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
***
A Labour MP, A BBC TV Reporter and an SAS soldier are kidnapped by ISIS. They are sentenced to death by beheading.
The ISIS leader says they can have one last request before the sentence is carried out.
The Labour Party politician asks if he can sing "The Red Flag," one more time.
The BBC TV reporter asks if the beheading can be televised, so even in death it's one more time on TV.
The SAS soldier asks if he can be kicked up the arse, hard, three times.
As this was such an unusual request the ISIS leader decides to do this first.
As the last kick lands the SAS solider pulls a hidden Glock out of his smock, shoots the ISIS leader, three other fallen terrorists, then grabs a fallen AK and kills the rest.
The other two prisoners are amazed, and ask, "why did you ask to be kicked three times and then draw your weapon?"
"Because," says the soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of politically correct ****s saying it was an unprovoked attack."
***
A couple driving home run over a badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up."
The wife replies, "but it's all wet and it stinks."
The husband says, "well hold the badgers nose then."
***
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who's lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?â€
-
“Yes, sir,†says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?†the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!â€
***
An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugsâ€, he said.
“By all means officer, just don't go in that field over thereâ€, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!â€, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I'll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!â€
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your ****ing badge!â€
***
my g/f says that having a small penis doesnt affect our sex life, to be honest, i just wish she didnt have one at all
***
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his
black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why
the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is
a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is
Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent
says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of
her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we
land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The
Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat
down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped
into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so
he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
***
A Labour MP, A BBC TV Reporter and an SAS soldier are kidnapped by ISIS. They are sentenced to death by beheading.
The ISIS leader says they can have one last request before the sentence is carried out.
The Labour Party politician asks if he can sing "The Red Flag," one more time.
The BBC TV reporter asks if the beheading can be televised, so even in death it's one more time on TV.
The SAS soldier asks if he can be kicked up the arse, hard, three times.
As this was such an unusual request the ISIS leader decides to do this first.
As the last kick lands the SAS solider pulls a hidden Glock out of his smock, shoots the ISIS leader, three other fallen terrorists, then grabs a fallen AK and kills the rest.
The other two prisoners are amazed, and ask, "why did you ask to be kicked three times and then draw your weapon?"
"Because," says the soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I don't want you pair of politically correct ****s saying it was an unprovoked attack."
***
A couple driving home run over a badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up."
The wife replies, "but it's all wet and it stinks."
The husband says, "well hold the badgers nose then."
***
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who's lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?â€
-
“Yes, sir,†says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?†the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!â€
***
An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugsâ€, he said.
“By all means officer, just don't go in that field over thereâ€, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!â€, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I'll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!â€
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your ****ing badge!â€
***
my g/f says that having a small penis doesnt affect our sex life, to be honest, i just wish she didnt have one at all
***
Last edited:
Smart_Guy
Fully Optimized
- Messages
- 4,856
- Location
- Saudi Arabia
My car is possessed. Restarting on a warm engine (after 1-6 hours) it fights like a mad female dog. Starting the engine really cold (after 2-3 days) it starts like a million dollars (that's one weird expression!). It feels like brand new.
Smart_Guy
Fully Optimized
- Messages
- 4,856
- Location
- Saudi Arabia
Unfortunately such simple kicks aren't working here. It's as if the fuel is completely cut-off. Could be some pressure issue like the fuel pressure regulator or the return valve. Among tons of others, that is.
