Oh dear, sorry to hear that. I know it's unlikely, but if we can do anything, just shout!
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- Thread starter Rubber314Chicken
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Oh dear, sorry to hear that. I know it's unlikely, but if we can do anything, just shout!
foothead
Omnicide now.
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Well, there really isn't much anybody can do. Thanks for trying to help though.
foothead
Omnicide now.
- Messages
- 10,027
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- My own personal hell
I wish it were that simple. I've been extremely depressed since probably sixth grade. For the past year or so I've been having PTSD because of how horribly I was mistreated when hospitalized for said depression. This isn't something that can be fixed by simply "getting off my ass and doing something," and frankly I'm sick of people who have never dealt with serious depression saying things like that. I'm not just being lazy. It's completely debilitating. On bad days, I'm so miserable I can't even get out of bed in the morning. I'm thinking about killing myself pretty much all the time, though I'm too much of a chicken to actually go through with it. I no longer enjoy anything. All the things I liked to do feel like a chore now. I can't even seek help beyond my current therapist because every other "professional" I've been to has treated me like complete shit. So yeah, please don't tell me to "just get over it" or whatever. Believe me, I would if I could.
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The VA pays me over a grand a month cause they say I'm crazier than a house rat and can't work. I have PTSD and have some serious depression jags from time to time. I also have tinnitus. You know that constant whine in your ears that no one else hears. And if you don't think sometimes that gets on your last nerve, then you don't have it.
I had a rough childhood too. My dad used to beat the heck out of me just for GP. The mental abuse came from he never acknowledged I was his kid. When I got home from the service he took a swing at me and I messed him up. I didn't speak to him after that for some time.
I was married twice and neither worked out due to the PTSD symptoms. I didn't recognized them then. I just though I didn't have any patients with people. I was wrong.
In recent history I lived on the street at the mercy of shelters and handouts. Cold and wet have new meaning for me. Makes me thankful every day for what I have now.
I have anxiety issues but I'm working through those on my own. I just don't give a toss anymore. Doing pretty good so far.
I drag my ass out of bed each and every day apprehensive about the day. My patients wears thin pretty quick and I just wind up wanting to be alone. I can't be alone during the day. My job is dealing with people. So I do the best I can to get through the day.
When I get off I close the door to my apartment and lock it. I crash out on the couch feeling like I just ran a marathon.
So don't you dare tell me I have no idea what you're going through. Trust me kid, I do. Sometimes you just got to say, WTF, and get going.
I had a rough childhood too. My dad used to beat the heck out of me just for GP. The mental abuse came from he never acknowledged I was his kid. When I got home from the service he took a swing at me and I messed him up. I didn't speak to him after that for some time.
I was married twice and neither worked out due to the PTSD symptoms. I didn't recognized them then. I just though I didn't have any patients with people. I was wrong.
In recent history I lived on the street at the mercy of shelters and handouts. Cold and wet have new meaning for me. Makes me thankful every day for what I have now.
I have anxiety issues but I'm working through those on my own. I just don't give a toss anymore. Doing pretty good so far.
I drag my ass out of bed each and every day apprehensive about the day. My patients wears thin pretty quick and I just wind up wanting to be alone. I can't be alone during the day. My job is dealing with people. So I do the best I can to get through the day.
When I get off I close the door to my apartment and lock it. I crash out on the couch feeling like I just ran a marathon.
So don't you dare tell me I have no idea what you're going through. Trust me kid, I do. Sometimes you just got to say, WTF, and get going.
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As a decorated Marine Corps Infantry combat vet, I have a few comments. They may come off harsh, but bare with me.
Getting out and about will not fix it, but it can help... sometimes a lot.
Depression (I've been through therapy/meds/classes/workshops/studies for 8 years now) is typically caused by blocked receptors for serotonin. You first need a regiment of antidepressants to stop the 'reuptake' process so the serotonin can be absorbed by the postsynaptic receptor.
Because your neurotransmitters are not properly passing serotonin, you have to produce more or something else (untreated) to feel any happiness. A "runners high" is a good example of how dealing with depression can be aided with physical activity. The runners high releases endorphin, a morphine type chemical that calms the body. Other physical activity will produce similar reactions and better moods.
The feeling of not being able to get out of bed... I know that one. From about 2005-2008ish I slept 16+ hours a day. I would sleep during my 15 min breaks at work and through lunch. Waking up only to eat and work.
It actually is.
I still have suicidal thoughts and random memories a few times a week. My experience won't easily, if ever, go away. What I've learned is that it really is quite simple. Wait it out until the thoughts pass. I get in bed, lay on my back and try to simply relax and breath. Once they have passed, get out of bed and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is indeed simple, and simple is the best way to deal with it. "Just keep swimming"
I would suggest seeing another 'professional' for the purpose of getting on an antidepressant. There's 14 days before the medication is at full swing, and those 14 days are going to be hard. As you move from the "can't do anything depressed" to "feeling better but still depressed", you cross a line where you're still depressed to the point of suicide, and you're 'up' enough mentally to act on it. Lay down, relax and wait it out. Get back up and put one foot in front of the other.
"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're always right."
I deal with it everyday. Medication helps but doesn't fix it.
One foot in front of the other.
Getting out and about will not fix it, but it can help... sometimes a lot.
Depression (I've been through therapy/meds/classes/workshops/studies for 8 years now) is typically caused by blocked receptors for serotonin. You first need a regiment of antidepressants to stop the 'reuptake' process so the serotonin can be absorbed by the postsynaptic receptor.
Because your neurotransmitters are not properly passing serotonin, you have to produce more or something else (untreated) to feel any happiness. A "runners high" is a good example of how dealing with depression can be aided with physical activity. The runners high releases endorphin, a morphine type chemical that calms the body. Other physical activity will produce similar reactions and better moods.
The feeling of not being able to get out of bed... I know that one. From about 2005-2008ish I slept 16+ hours a day. I would sleep during my 15 min breaks at work and through lunch. Waking up only to eat and work.
It actually is.
I still have suicidal thoughts and random memories a few times a week. My experience won't easily, if ever, go away. What I've learned is that it really is quite simple. Wait it out until the thoughts pass. I get in bed, lay on my back and try to simply relax and breath. Once they have passed, get out of bed and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is indeed simple, and simple is the best way to deal with it. "Just keep swimming"
I would suggest seeing another 'professional' for the purpose of getting on an antidepressant. There's 14 days before the medication is at full swing, and those 14 days are going to be hard. As you move from the "can't do anything depressed" to "feeling better but still depressed", you cross a line where you're still depressed to the point of suicide, and you're 'up' enough mentally to act on it. Lay down, relax and wait it out. Get back up and put one foot in front of the other.
"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're always right."
I deal with it everyday. Medication helps but doesn't fix it.
One foot in front of the other.
foothead
Omnicide now.
- Messages
- 10,027
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- My own personal hell
Er, sorry. That part wasn't really meant to be directed at you. I've just had a lot of people going on about how I should "just choose to be happy" or spouting nonsense about how depression isn't real and I'm just making it up for attention or whatever. My instinct now is to just lash out right away when I feel that's what someone is getting at.
Yeah, I've been sleeping a ton lately, just because it's more pleasant than being awake. Even when I'm not asleep, I'll just lie there and stare at the ceiling or cry for hours on end. There was a while where I couldn't even bring myself to eat or drink anything. I ended up in the hospital at one point and they had to give me IVs all night because I hadn't had any water in two days. Thankfully I'm not that bad anymore...
What if the thoughts never pass? I can't think of any time when they weren't there. Not even for a moment. The best I can ever get is a minute or two of distraction when I'm in physical pain, and lately even that doesn't seem to be working as well as it used to.
I've tried probably ten of them. They all seemed to either do nothing at all or destroy absolutely all emotion, which I found to be even worse than being depressed. Oh, and there was the most recent one that I got from my endocrinologist, which caused me to hallucinate.
I wouldn't be opposed to trying another, but finding another doctor to prescribe them really is terrifying. I've had so many horrible experiences with psychiatrists in the past, and my endocrinologist won't give me anything else after that last one.
I suppose. I was speaking from experience there. I'm not any less miserable just because I'm out doing something. Actually, being out is usually worse because I tend to get really panicky around strangers, and it becomes way harder to deal with when I suddenly start crying uncontrollably in public.
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You need to find a working medication.
I've been through plenty of combinations and names I can't spell to know about side effects and adverse reactions. citilopram and a low dose of aripiprazole gave me no side effects and provided some balance up there. Everyone is different, you just have to keep trying them.
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Don't go in there and let them overdose you either. Test reactions with lowest dose and then build up. Too much initially may produce a false positive. It takes time, but so does everything in life.
/EDIT
I participated in a 7 week inpatient treatment program at the Denver VA for PTSD. I was rather encouraged by way of challenge by this passage:
Paradise Lost said:
***
Cognitive Process Therapy (CPT) helped me with anxiety in crowds and restaurants (chemical/physical over-reactions to improbable threat/harm), among other things. They're related to the event(s) that caused any PTSD.
Don't do that
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Citalipram did numbers for me, in a good way. That is, after the first few days (days 1 and 2 were an adventure but still better than what I was without it). I didn't have to mix that with anything else to help pull me out. If you haven't tried it already, then I think that just knowing 2 people who've used it without issue (iPwn and myself) is a good enough reason to give it a fair chance.
Also, I don't know your situation and limitations but 2 things I did that turned me around to a point where I'm no longer on meds and have a clean bill of mental health: First, move. Go as far away as you realistically can. If it's a new place in the same city that's fine, new place in anther state/provence/whatever is better. In my case I couldn't do another city or state as I was in school and my degree isn't offered everywhere in the U.S. (and the degree made me happy). You mentioned an uncle who seemed to be reaching out. If he is, see if he'd be willing to take you in for a couple weeks while you find a new place. In this economy he might not be able to do that so don't be surprised if that doesn't happen but it's worth a shot IMO.
Second, get a pet. This was the first thing I did when I moved. I went to a local shelter and a cute little 1 year old cat reached out of the cage and grabbed my finger. She had chosen me and it's been a wonderful relationship ever since. Every place you live will have different rules on what you can and can't have in terms of an animal. I know in the US (or at least the state of Wisconsin) you can get a medical excuse to have an animal if it's to help depression to bring one into an apartment that normally does not allow it. All I suggest is to get one that you can reasonably afford to care for and is smart enough to form a bond with you (AKA no fish). The unconditional love and affection does wonders and gives you a reason to get out of bed and survive.
I think I've offered this before, but if not I'm sorry and I'll extend it now: If you, or anyone else on this forum, ever need to vent send me a PM. If you don't want a response I'll respect that as sometimes just telling someone can be a huge relief.
Also, I don't know your situation and limitations but 2 things I did that turned me around to a point where I'm no longer on meds and have a clean bill of mental health: First, move. Go as far away as you realistically can. If it's a new place in the same city that's fine, new place in anther state/provence/whatever is better. In my case I couldn't do another city or state as I was in school and my degree isn't offered everywhere in the U.S. (and the degree made me happy). You mentioned an uncle who seemed to be reaching out. If he is, see if he'd be willing to take you in for a couple weeks while you find a new place. In this economy he might not be able to do that so don't be surprised if that doesn't happen but it's worth a shot IMO.
Second, get a pet. This was the first thing I did when I moved. I went to a local shelter and a cute little 1 year old cat reached out of the cage and grabbed my finger. She had chosen me and it's been a wonderful relationship ever since. Every place you live will have different rules on what you can and can't have in terms of an animal. I know in the US (or at least the state of Wisconsin) you can get a medical excuse to have an animal if it's to help depression to bring one into an apartment that normally does not allow it. All I suggest is to get one that you can reasonably afford to care for and is smart enough to form a bond with you (AKA no fish). The unconditional love and affection does wonders and gives you a reason to get out of bed and survive.
I think I've offered this before, but if not I'm sorry and I'll extend it now: If you, or anyone else on this forum, ever need to vent send me a PM. If you don't want a response I'll respect that as sometimes just telling someone can be a huge relief.
