proof read

yeah, cause you couldve used their, and meant to say there...Having someone read it, is always the best way too go.
 
“OK, let's put on our ski masks,” pronounces John. Doesn't make any difference if it is a skit unless it is narrated, incorrect English should be announces

John tries to run for the back door but the head officer shoots him down in his stride. Substitute mid stride

Other than that there seems to be a lot of "OK OK" in it, guess it could be LA speak, I'm not fluent in LA speak so can not comment :D
 
Then the clerk fills the bag with money, the tosses it back to John.
That should be 'then'.

After the robbers leave the clerk picks up the phone and dials 911.
You might want to revise that to: After the robbers leave, the clerk picks up the phone and calls 911.
 
I wrote a letter once in a hurry and did spell check, then I checked what I had actually written and I was horified at the amount of mistakes in it, spell checker is not 100% on gramatical layouts
 
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