I pulled the trigger, troubled by never knowing the answer to the hardest question a person could ever ask or answer - Do you love me too? I felt myself falling, suprised by the length of my survival after the bullet has penetrated my head. She's probly disgusted now. This was no way to win her. It's not my death I'm worried about, but if she will put the blame upon herself.
The falling slowly came to the end, but I never hit the ground. I felt my mind entering a dream-like state, as the past year of events came to me as if it were happening now. My life was flashing before my eyes.
It was the first day of the school year, going in as a freshman, and I was hoping for a better year. I knew it wouldn't come, but a tad bit of hope was on the tip of my mind. I guess I was still just in the summer mindset.
We all ready had assigned seats in the first class. I looked at the chart, and saw the names of a few I was to sit by, and I knew none of them. I thought of it as a perfect chance to make a new friend or two, and if she looked o.k, take a chance with the Michelle that I was going to sit next to.
I took my seat, and waiting for the Michelle to arrive, hoping she hasn't heard the nasty rumors about me so early on this day, and I wouldn't be suprised. Class started, and it was looking like she wasn't going to show up for the first day of school.
Fifteen minutes into the period, Michelle came rushing in, looking a little like crap. Yet I couldn't bring my eyes away from her. She wasn't anything like the other girls I liked, so it couldn't be any attraction. Maybe it was just a curiosity, or a hope I could hang out with her and meet some of her friends.
The first few days came and went pretty fast. I tried to talk to Michelle often, with no success. I must not have had the self esteem to talk to any one I don't know. I was wishing she would talk to me. By this time, I had trouble keeping myself from looking at the girl from the corner of my eye, and I tried to have an excuse to look directly at her constantly.
A month into the year I started getting nervous around the cute girl known as Michelle. I had no idea why I liked her, but I wanted to get to know her soon. We got new seats, and I was placed directly oppisite of her. It gives me an easier, shame free way of looking her way. I was dissappointed only because it took away the best chances to trade a few words.
We just got through the first quarter, and thigns were starting to go pretty slow. The only reason I came to school was to look at the beauty I have came to admire. I was more nervous around Michelle then ever, which destroyed any chances of holding a convorastion. I completely ignored her laid back clothing style, and it seemed as if she was dressed up as if she was going to a ball. She became the only girl I will ever want.
The school year seemed to stopped and was halfway through. Every day I looked forward to looking at the girl I loved. When she was in my site, the world only existed as perfection - and the only fault was I couldn't hold her close. I wanted to go speak to her, yet the fear of rejection kept me from doing so. I held my emotions back, and unkown to every one.
The third quarter of the year came, and I noticed my love for Michelle would never die. I needed to befriend her, and eventually tell her how I felt. I went up to talk to Michelle, and immediately felt a surge of my nerves, and had to end the sentence just as it began. I rushed to the bathroom and puked, hoping Michelle wouldn't take notice that any negative event has just happened.
I couldn't take the limitation of my love any more. I saved up a small fortune, and bought a gun off of a known source. I only needed two bullets for what I was planning to do. I went the next few weeks holding back, praying that I could have the courage to speak to Michelle, and yet it never came.
Then Just yesterday, I brought the gun to school with me. I walked up to Michelle, the beauty I loved, and calmly told her how I was feeling, while she held a confused look on her face.
"Hey, girl, I have tricked myself into loving you. I really can't take it any more. Here, I have two bullets, one of them is for me. Please, don't blame this on yourself, I wouldn't want you to. The second bullet is for you, but please, please don't use it. Only if you love me too, and wouldn't be able to live on with today's events."
I had a question that I would never know the answer to: Did she pull the trigger? Did she love me too? And was she having the exact same problem as me? The question: Do you love me too?
And with that question in mind, I put the gun to my head, and applied pressure to the trigger. The last glimpse of the world was her shock of what I have done. The confusion she had pressed on her. I saw her digging into her heart, looking the answer to my question, wondering if she really loved me too.
Here I am falling to the ground, with the past years events going through my mind as if they were today's, and waiting to feel ground I wouldn't live long enough to feel. And Wondering the answer to the question I always wondered, the question I have always wanted an answer too. A question I would never know the answer to. I died wondering if she herself pulled the trigger.
not part of the story: Heh, I havn't been on site lately, I've been busy, getting into aggressive in-line skating!