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Old 01-12-2008, 10:45 PM   #511
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GlasseyeUK View Post
What Every man needs!!!!


I got to get me one of those ASAP.
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Old 02-19-2008, 09:48 PM   #512
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

a guy walks into his house with a sheep under his arm. goes into his bedroom where his wife was in bed. he says "hunny, i would like to show you the pig i have been sleeping with for the past few years!" the wife says "for your information, that is not a pig, its a sheep." the guy looks at her and says "for YOUR information i wasnt talking to YOU!"
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Old 02-19-2008, 09:57 PM   #513
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

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Originally Posted by superman22x View Post
a guy walks into his house with a sheep under his arm. goes into his bedroom where his wife was in bed. he says "hunny, i would like to show you the pig i have been sleeping with for the past few years!" the wife says "for your information, that is not a pig, its a sheep." the guy looks at her and says "for YOUR information i wasn't talking to YOU!"
lol! ^^^ that's hilarious

I got one, pretty long, and it's making fun of Portuguese like all Brazilians do. It's also gross in a way. So beware.

3 guys are stuck @ an island. One is French, one is German, the other Portuguese. Then they see a bottle and open it up. A misty figure comes out and says

--"If you want to live, you must do as i say. First you must each pick 2 fruits from the island. And when you come back you need to stick them up your @$$. If you laugh, you die"

scared, they obey. A couple minutes later the French and the German return.
The French, who carries, a strawberry and a grape, puts in the strawberry, no laugh. Then he puts in the grape, it pops, he laughs, boom, he dies.
Next the German sticks the apple followed by the orange. He looks back, and laughs.

**In heaven**

The German says:

--"Why did you laugh?"

The French replies:

--"The strawberry went fine but the grape popped and tickled me. What about you?"

The German than replies:

--"Well everything went fine, but then I looked back and I saw the Portuguese dude carrying a watermelon and a pineapple..."


NOTE*** The nationality were picked at random, except for the Portuguese.
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Old 02-20-2008, 12:36 AM   #514
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Kinky Pleasure?


A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful girl walks in and sits down at the end of the bar, he walks over and sits next to her and says "Your really nice looking, I don't live far from here. What say me and you head over to my place and have some fun?", she smiled and said "Alright, that sounds fun...we can have a few drinks and make love". The man replies "Great, but tonight I'm in the mood for some kinky stuff if that's fine with you". She replied "Yeah that's fine"

So they go back to his place and have a few drinks and enjoy a night of some rather normal love making. The next morning she said "That was great...but I thought you said you were in the mood for some kinky stuff?" he replied "Oh, I did...earlier when you weren't looking I took a s*** in your purse."
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Old 02-20-2008, 12:48 AM   #515
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Haha you are winner. +1 for find.
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Old 02-20-2008, 12:56 AM   #516
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kk heres one



these 2 guys was out hunting and the one stops and says i gotta take a dump. the other was like ok ill be over here looking for sign. then the guy taking the dump yells back "hey what am i supposed to wipe with" the other guys says "wipe with a doller" ......... the guy taking the dump comes back all covered in crap and says "i didnt have a doller bill so i used 2 quarters 4 dimes and 2 nickels"
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Old 04-18-2009, 09:56 PM   #517
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Thought I would bring this back to life...


A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:11 PM   #518
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*goes up to a girl*

'yo baby you turned my floppy disk into a harddrive'
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:22 PM   #519
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Oh... no
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Old 04-18-2009, 11:13 PM   #520
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Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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