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Old 07-12-2007, 12:32 AM   #421
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by hascet View Post
Haha thats pretty funny, I like how even in the letter from the state they spell dam wrong
No they didn't. The curse word is spelled with an n at the end, a dam is something used to restrict waterflow.

Anyway, that's hilarious.
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Old 07-12-2007, 03:22 AM   #422
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thelis View Post
What is black, white and red all over?
... A penguin...

...that just killed a terrorist.

For the joke in context: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1765604
lol, that was a great video. And I keep looking at videos on the internet so I'll probably never go to sleep. Almost 2:30am now.
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:19 AM   #423
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hascet View Post
Haha thats pretty funny, I like how even in the letter from the state they spell dam wrong
That is how you spell it! *chuckle*.
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Old 07-18-2007, 10:15 PM   #424
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

lol im loving these
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Old 07-19-2007, 04:21 AM   #425
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Originally Posted by glorypowder View Post
lol im loving these
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Old 08-01-2007, 12:50 PM   #426
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Sorry to be a pain in the @$$ ...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exams were
quite humorous...

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man
has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there!"
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Old 08-01-2007, 12:53 PM   #427
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

A few quick ones

Sorry if you had these before and even more sorry for the jokes themselves....


Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new

car.


Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.



Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.



Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball



Q. Do you know how the Welsh practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!



Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!



Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.



Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.


Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.



Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.



Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
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Old 08-01-2007, 11:45 PM   #428
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raffaz View Post
A few quick ones

Sorry if you had these before and even more sorry for the jokes themselves....


Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new

car.


Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.



Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.



Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball



Q. Do you know how the Welsh practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!



Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!



Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.



Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

A. About three inches.


Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.



Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.



Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
omg those are the best ive seen in a while!
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Old 08-02-2007, 12:36 AM   #429
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by freestyler105 View Post
No they didn't. The curse word is spelled with an n at the end, a dam is something used to restrict waterflow.

Anyway, that's hilarious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brookfield
That is how you spell it! *chuckle*.
I know how to spell damn, I'll keep it in mind so next time you make a mistake I can jump all over it! And I actually wasn't referring to the spelling I was referring to the context, but after re-reading it wasn't the state letter that the word was used out of context in it was the letter from Ryan Devries
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan Devries
and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.
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Old 08-03-2007, 04:18 PM   #430
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Drunk !!

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already a sleep. He
gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a
strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white
Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me
back straight away." St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was
devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to
be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up
inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new
hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies
Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from
under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions
got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When
he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened
to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his
wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bast**d, you've sh*t the
bed.
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