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Old 07-05-2007, 05:08 PM   #391
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

for all you football fans
Have you heard that Sheffield Wednesday have announced there season ticket prices for the new season?
£250 for the shallow end
£500 for the deep end.


Sheffield Wednesday have said they are not worried about the quantity of water in the ground due to the flooding of the river DON.
A spokesman from Hillsborough said "there will be enough shit on the pitch between August and May anyway. lol


Sky Sports Breaking News.
Sheffield Wednesday have just signed a Nigerian striker... KANU BRINGMEADINGYBACK!!!.
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:10 PM   #392
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raffaz View Post
Ah right, here ya go then

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.


Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.


Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.


Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Dick."


Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends
As usual, very good, yours I pass on to a friend, they're reliable,
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:15 PM   #393
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rudster816 View Post
i always consider the TOS when i sign up for things. sometimes i go on sites just to read there TOS to see if i can exploit it never found a loop hole .

your right we all must follow the rules. but as a moderator your job is to interpret and enforce the rules. one mod may think that this rule means this and the other mod may thing that rules means another thing. when this happens i dont know what happens. maybe a majority rules kind of think. maybe david should clear this up when mods have a discrepancy in interpreting the rules.
It's all sorted, mammikoura has agreed that I can delete the link, & I've done so.
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:15 PM   #394
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Granny

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
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Old 07-05-2007, 05:19 PM   #395
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Don't read if your blonde! (like you could)

A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

The brunette sighs and says, "Oh, shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
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Old 07-06-2007, 05:42 AM   #396
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EDIT:
the system dosent allow letters or symbols to be spaced out more than one space can post it here but i will provide a link
http://www.funshun.com/msn/msn-text-pictures6.html
its called the finger
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Old 07-06-2007, 11:46 AM   #397
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Womans dictionary

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!
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Old 07-06-2007, 05:17 PM   #398
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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Old 07-07-2007, 05:10 AM   #399
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

more blonde jokes

No offence meant to any blondes ...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."


A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender: "What is a B and C?"

Brunette: "Bacardi and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"


A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.
Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What Are You Doing?”
She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."
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Old 07-07-2007, 06:21 AM   #400
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

computer gender?

Are Computers Men or Women?
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because
No one but their creator understands their internal logic
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
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