Go Back   Computer Forums > Welcome To Computer Forums .org > Social Lounge | Off Topic
Click Here to Login
Join Computer forums Today


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 05-31-2007, 09:46 AM   #181
muz
Golden Master
 
muz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,928
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Think i may have posted theese before
oh well
iextracts from letters sent to council's around the uk
damm these people should read there letters before they send them

“I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”

“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

“And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”

“I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.”

“Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.”

“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.”

“The toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.”

“The man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.”

“I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.”

“Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”

“I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”

“My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.”

“He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.”
__________________

__________________
Desktop-AMD Athlon 64 X2 6000+-2GB Elixer DDR2 800 250gb+500gb+500gb+120gb
Laptop-Apple Macbook Pro 13" Intel core i5(2.3ghz) 4gb Ram 320gb hard drive
muz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 09:57 AM   #182
muz
Golden Master
 
muz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,928
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Situations Hallmark Cards Dont Cover
1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you...
(inside card)
I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life...
(inside card)
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by I think how lucky I am...
(inside card)
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card)
Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
(inside card)
Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me...
(inside card)
Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(inside card)
What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket...
(inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
(inside card)
What was I thinking?
__________________

__________________
Desktop-AMD Athlon 64 X2 6000+-2GB Elixer DDR2 800 250gb+500gb+500gb+120gb
Laptop-Apple Macbook Pro 13" Intel core i5(2.3ghz) 4gb Ram 320gb hard drive
muz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 10:41 AM   #183
Golden Master
 
dude_se's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,632
Send a message via AIM to dude_se Send a message via MSN to dude_se
Default Re: Jokes Thread

lol good jokes

ive been banned
__________________
Laptop spec: ASUS X53E, i5 2430m 2.4ghz, 3gb ram, 320gb hdd, intel hd graphics, usb 3.0
dude_se is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 10:46 AM   #184
muz
Golden Master
 
muz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,928
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by dude_se View Post
lol good jokes

ive been banned
what for ? huh how can you post

edit>>omfg you got a custum title , lol now i see
__________________
Desktop-AMD Athlon 64 X2 6000+-2GB Elixer DDR2 800 250gb+500gb+500gb+120gb
Laptop-Apple Macbook Pro 13" Intel core i5(2.3ghz) 4gb Ram 320gb hard drive
muz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 10:48 AM   #185
Golden Master
 
dude_se's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,632
Send a message via AIM to dude_se Send a message via MSN to dude_se
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by muz379 View Post
what for ? huh how can you post

edit>>omfg you got a custum title , lol now i see
lol that was my joke for the day .. felt kinda wierd being offline with my title like that
__________________
Laptop spec: ASUS X53E, i5 2430m 2.4ghz, 3gb ram, 320gb hdd, intel hd graphics, usb 3.0
dude_se is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 11:00 AM   #186
muz
Golden Master
 
muz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,928
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by dude_se View Post
lol that was my joke for the day .. felt kinda wierd being offline with my title like that
would have been worse had the system added you to the banned list
__________________
Desktop-AMD Athlon 64 X2 6000+-2GB Elixer DDR2 800 250gb+500gb+500gb+120gb
Laptop-Apple Macbook Pro 13" Intel core i5(2.3ghz) 4gb Ram 320gb hard drive
muz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 11:07 AM   #187
Golden Master
 
dude_se's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,632
Send a message via AIM to dude_se Send a message via MSN to dude_se
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by muz379 View Post
would have been worse had the system added you to the banned list
i was thinking that luckily it didnt
heres a random joke anyway:

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
__________________
Laptop spec: ASUS X53E, i5 2430m 2.4ghz, 3gb ram, 320gb hdd, intel hd graphics, usb 3.0
dude_se is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2007, 11:09 AM   #188
muz
Golden Master
 
muz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,928
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by dude_se View Post
i was thinking that luckily it didnt
heres a random joke anyway:

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
thats a good un
__________________
Desktop-AMD Athlon 64 X2 6000+-2GB Elixer DDR2 800 250gb+500gb+500gb+120gb
Laptop-Apple Macbook Pro 13" Intel core i5(2.3ghz) 4gb Ram 320gb hard drive
muz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2007, 12:36 PM   #189
Golden Master
 
Raffaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 6,798
Send a message via AIM to Raffaz Send a message via MSN to Raffaz Send a message via Yahoo to Raffaz
Default Re: Jokes Thread

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
Yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea.
"Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime
Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty...."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!" "Yes!
Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Raffaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2007, 12:45 PM   #190
Golden Master
 
Raffaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 6,798
Send a message via AIM to Raffaz Send a message via MSN to Raffaz Send a message via Yahoo to Raffaz
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Complaint letter

I had this sent to me today Via the old email really made me chuckle this is in my opinion how a complaint letter should go, the swear filteer will probably have left a few blanks but fill in your own!

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were , that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of .
John
__________________

Raffaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:43 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0