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Old 05-22-2007, 12:21 PM   #171
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A man went to his doctor & asked if he could help him, saying that he suffered from wind, the silent but deadly kind, the doctor asked him how often it happened, he answered oh, all the time, in fact I've done it twice since I walked in your office, the doctor said sit down, first of all we have to sort out your hearing problem.
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Old 05-23-2007, 12:21 PM   #172
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This really isn't a "joke", more of a funny story that happened to some distant (make that VERY distant lol) family

To give you a little background on the story my family and myself have always lived in this small little farming valley in Alabama and we've farmed the same ground for over 200 years, raised different stuff over the years; cotton, hogs, cattle etc. kind of a family tradition.

Well our story begins with a very distant cousin of mine named Nolen, now ole Nolen didn't have much land and only had a few cattle...most were average cattle but he had one old cow who was just beautiful as could be, real shiny pretty coat, fat as a hog too, but that thing was just plain crazy! she loved to jump gates and tear fences down and would always lead the other cows into trouble, just a real headache! so one day old Nolen decides to carry her down to the state capital in Montgomery for a big cattle sale that afternoon, knowing he can't do it all by himself he calls up his buddy Julias "Dooley" Phillips. now back then him and Mr. Dooley loved to drink...drank like fish they did, so Dooley brings the beer and goes over to help Nolen load his cow.

After about a hour or struggling they get her loaded up in the trailer and they're on their way to the cattle sale, on the way down they stop at a liquor store and buy a gallon of whiskey. After they got to the sale and got the old cow unloaded they start to hit the bottle, and after awhile they went inside to go watch some cows sale, then go back out and drink awhile and then go back in and watch some more cattle sell...well late that afternoon after alot of drinking had went down they were inside watching some cows sell when this BEAUTIFUL cow comes out, a real pretty looking one...my cousin Nolen threw his hand up and bought that pretty cow on the spot...well after the sale when Nolen went to load his cow up he found out that he had just bought his own damn cow back lol
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Old 05-24-2007, 03:13 AM   #173
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Jimmy got married on Friday. Friday night him and his wife find out there plane will not be able to leave until tomorrrow and all the hotels are booked. So reluctantly he and his wife spend their wedding night in his family's house. Saturday morning the family is at breakfast but Jimmy and his wife are nowhere to be seen. During breakfast Jimmy's little brother Billy says "Ya Know What I Think?" The mother says Billy we don't want to know what you think. Later at lunch (Jimmy and his Wife are still not present) Billy asks "Ya Know What I Think?" NO BILLY!! his Mom shouts. Once again at dinner (Jimmy and his Wife STILL not present) Billy says "Ya Know What I Think?" At last his Mom says ok billy what do you think? Billy says, "last night when Jimmy asked for Vasoline i think i gave him airplane glue....
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Old 05-26-2007, 04:18 AM   #174
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Apple's new innovation

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Old 05-26-2007, 04:40 AM   #175
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raffaz View Post
Apple's new innovation

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

He he, I like that, the i Tit & "speaker size" very good!!
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Old 05-26-2007, 09:12 AM   #176
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Oh my god Raffax that iTit was hilarious....
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Old 05-26-2007, 10:14 AM   #177
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ahhah! that iTit was the best!
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Old 05-26-2007, 10:19 AM   #178
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That was funny... lol
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Old 05-31-2007, 01:55 AM   #179
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Wonderful jokes, they're funny. Thanks for sharing them.



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Old 05-31-2007, 06:28 AM   #180
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A Few Golf Jokes

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"





A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."





Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."





A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked,
"Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied:

"Got here in two, didn't I?"





The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said": What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"





Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then,
when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"
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