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Old 04-23-2007, 06:16 AM   #131
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Heres a few for the females on the forum

Women's Humour

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a great
red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknob. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you"

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly.
She said - Well, you've succeeded.

He said - 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.
She said - 'That's a good idea.....you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart'.

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?'
She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b***ard'.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A: Reload and try again
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Old 04-24-2007, 05:52 AM   #132
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

For those that buy dog food

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
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Old 04-24-2007, 06:19 AM   #133
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raffaz View Post
For thoses that buy dog food

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
Serves her right , as you say, stupid cow, something similar happened in Morrison's the other day, I was in the check-out queue & a woman behind me was putting several tins of cat food on the slide, a woman behind her asked if she had a cat, at this, she just turned & gave her a withering look, she went scarlet, & shut up.
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Old 04-25-2007, 02:35 PM   #134
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace O this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings
certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a
breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on
board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again,"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:23 PM   #135
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Spooky

There was this meeting of ghosthunters. The main speaker had some 45 minutes left till lunch and nothing to say anymore.
To kill the time he decided to let the audience speak.
He said: "For the last 45 minutes I want to give you the change to share your experience with us all. Lets start with the question: Who of you has ever seen a ghost?

About 50 hands were raised.

So he continued: "Well, 50 is to much for the time given. Second question: Who of you has ever touched a ghost?

About 10 hands.

So he said: "Well, that still to much. Lets narrow the group down a bit more. Who of you has made love to a ghost?

Just one man raises his hand.

Well, sir, that is amazing. Please tell us your story. You actually made love to a ghost?

Man: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said goat.
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:51 PM   #136
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^ lol
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:55 PM   #137
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lol woah! that ghost one... man...
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Old 04-27-2007, 01:31 AM   #138
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Don't know if this has been covered but...

Q: Why doesn't Ms. Claus have any Children?






A:Because Santa only comes once a year, and that's down a chimney.
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Old 04-28-2007, 07:14 PM   #139
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Why did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing!
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Old 04-29-2007, 05:21 PM   #140
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one day, a diver went scuba diving with his air tanks and equipment. when he reached 100 feet deep down in the ocean, he sees a naked man. the diver goes to 200 feet and sees the naked man again. "Wow, how does he do that?" he whispers. he goes down to 300 feet, and the man is again, already there. the diver takes out a drawing pad and writes "How do you do that?!"

the man takes the pad and pen, erases everything and writes, "im drowning moron."
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