Go Back   Computer Forums > Welcome To Computer Forums .org > Social Lounge | Off Topic
Click Here to Login
Join Computer forums Today


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 04-15-2007, 04:29 PM   #121
Golden Master
 
mark thorpe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,366
Send a message via MSN to mark thorpe Send a message via Yahoo to mark thorpe
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the
corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way Qantas is the only
major airline that has never had an accident.) P stands for the problem the
pilots entered in the log. S stands for the corrective action taken by the
mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engineered
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

__________________________________________________ ______

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."


---------------------------------------------------------------------


Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


---------------------------------------------------------------------


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".


---------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk as to her Marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

_____________________________________________

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

" Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "

" I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "

" Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

" Good, " she replied... " Get your own f**king blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

_____________________________________

What's the first thing a blond does after a bad car accident?


Turn off the ignition?

NO


Get away from the car in case it explodes?

NO


Call 911 on her cell phone?

NO

__________________

mark thorpe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2007, 04:31 PM   #122
BSOD
 
Furby123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 491
Default Re: Jokes Thread

LOL mark some funny ones there
__________________

Furby123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2007, 04:58 PM   #123
Golden Master
 
Raffaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 6,798
Send a message via AIM to Raffaz Send a message via MSN to Raffaz Send a message via Yahoo to Raffaz
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Ive posted a few of those before this thread was started, them quantas ones are somewhere, still gooduns tho

Love the blond one at the end
Raffaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2007, 06:19 PM   #124
Site Team
 
celegorm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,713
Send a message via AIM to celegorm
Default Re: Jokes Thread

lol is taht blond brushing her hair?!
__________________
"as a fanboy i refuse to admit it and will pull countless things out of my butt to disprove it"

Team Thelegorm! Total Kills: 21 (i iz in uor profile, editsing your sigz)
celegorm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2007, 06:19 PM   #125
BSOD
 
Furby123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 491
Default Re: Jokes Thread

LOL. yeah she is!! HAHAHAHHA
Furby123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2007, 11:17 PM   #126
Site Team
 
celegorm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,713
Send a message via AIM to celegorm
Default Re: Jokes Thread

This one has Raffaz-esk written all over it:

A Ohio senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left.


"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal
even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.


He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm way too old for this," and he pulled over to await the
officer.


Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes. Today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Ohio State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper, then he walked back to his
car.
__________________
"as a fanboy i refuse to admit it and will pull countless things out of my butt to disprove it"

Team Thelegorm! Total Kills: 21 (i iz in uor profile, editsing your sigz)
celegorm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2007, 09:46 AM   #127
Daemon Poster
 
GlasseyeUK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,208
Send a message via MSN to GlasseyeUK
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Son asked his mother: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"



The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your Friends and relatives that your bride is pure."



The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.



Dad why are wedding dresses white?"



The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
__________________
AMD Athlon 64, 2200 (11x200) 3700+,ASRock 939S56-M, SiS 756 AMD Hammer,NVIDIA GeForce 6600LE, 2048(DDR SDRAM), Maxtor 5A300J0 300GB 5400RPM, Ultra ATA/133)

Time tells all, but if the moment in time passes and you miss it, then you will remember it for ever!!
GlasseyeUK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2007, 11:06 AM   #128
In Runtime
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 272
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Red Bull Vodka Cake

Ingredients:

1 cup water

1 cup of brown sugar

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

Lemon Juice

4 large eggs

Nuts

1 bottle of Vodka

1 can of Red Bull

2 cups dried fruit

Method:

1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.

3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.

4. Repeat.

5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.

8. Flavour with red bull to taste.

9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.

10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

11. Pick fruit off floor

12. Mix on the turner.

13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.

15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something …

16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder

17. Pick up the can, mop the floor

18. Check the vodka

19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

20. Add one table.

21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..

23. Don't forget to beat off the turner

24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.

25. Fall into bed.
__________________
Eagles may soar, but Weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

Words of Wisdom:
Quote:
Originally Posted by 01001010 View Post
You really have no idea what you're talking about, don't you?
dorfman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2007, 07:53 PM   #129
Fully Optimized
 
blackjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,945
Send a message via MSN to blackjack
Default Re: Jokes Thread

A golf club visits a local bar
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
__________________
Compaq Presario CQ5305K-m Intel® Pentium® Dual Core E5300 (2.6 GHz), Windows® 7 Home Premium 64 bit, 2048 MB , Hard drive: 320 Gb, with 18.5 Widescreen
SPURS TILL I DIE (DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER SO ARE SPURS)
TO DARE IS TO DO
blackjack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2007, 08:03 PM   #130
Fully Optimized
 
blackjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,945
Send a message via MSN to blackjack
Default Re: Jokes Thread

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
__________________

__________________
Compaq Presario CQ5305K-m Intel® Pentium® Dual Core E5300 (2.6 GHz), Windows® 7 Home Premium 64 bit, 2048 MB , Hard drive: 320 Gb, with 18.5 Widescreen
SPURS TILL I DIE (DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER SO ARE SPURS)
TO DARE IS TO DO
blackjack is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:12 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0