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Old 04-06-2007, 10:45 AM   #111
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

So true, cept us complex computer men. We can snap plastic togethor too.
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Old 04-06-2007, 11:21 AM   #112
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Men Vs. Women



Relationships

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you
know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed so tight the cart begins to warp. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring

Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail..........etc.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Socks

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out

... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

The Telephone

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Toys

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.
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Old 04-07-2007, 02:49 AM   #113
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Roses are red
Violets are blue
All my base
Are belong to you.

-Bash.org
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Old 04-09-2007, 04:45 PM   #114
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Friendship between women:

A woman didnt come home one night next day she told her husband she slept at a girlfriends house .

He called his wifes 10 best friends , none of them knew anything about it .

Friendship between men: A man didnt come home one night and told his wife he slept at a mates house the wife called her husbands 10 best mates .

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there .
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Old 04-10-2007, 04:35 PM   #115
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Women according to an Engineer

Woman- As Explained by Engineers

Finally - an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man:

1, To find a woman you need time and money, therefore:
Woman = Time x Money

2, Time is money:
Time = Money

3, Therefore:
Woman = Money x Money or:
Woman = (Money) x 2

4, Money is the root of all problems:
Money = problems

5, Therefore:
Woman = (Problems) x 2

Hazardous Material Data Sheet

Element: Woman
Symbol: O+
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kgs but known to vary from 45kgs to 225kgs

Physical Properties:
1, Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2, Boils at absolutely nothing - Freezes for no apparent reason.
3, Found in various grades ranging from virgin to common ore.

Chemical Properties
1, Reacts well to gold, Platinum and all other precious stones.
2, Explodes spontaneously without reason or warnings.
3, The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use
1, Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2, Can greatly aid relaxtion.
3, Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Hazards
1, Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
2, Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must never make eye contact.

An oldie, but a goodie. Please enjoy and no offense meant to any sex is intended.
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Old 04-10-2007, 04:52 PM   #116
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raffaz
Women according to an Engineer

Woman- As Explained by Engineers

Finally - an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man:

1, To find a woman you need time and money, therefore:
Woman = Time x Money

2, Time is money:
Time = Money

3, Therefore:
Woman = Money x Money or:
Woman = (Money) x 2

4, Money is the root of all problems:
Money = problems

5, Therefore:
Woman = (Problems) x 2

Hazardous Material Data Sheet

Element: Woman
Symbol: O+
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kgs but known to vary from 45kgs to 225kgs

Physical Properties:
1, Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2, Boils at absolutely nothing - Freezes for no apparent reason.
3, Found in various grades ranging from virgin to common ore.

Chemical Properties
1, Reacts well to gold, Platinum and all other precious stones.
2, Explodes spontaneously without reason or warnings.
3, The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use
1, Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2, Can greatly aid relaxtion.
3, Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Hazards
1, Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
2, Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must never make eye contact.

An oldie, but a goodie. Please enjoy and no offense meant to any sex is intended.
brilliant ever heard that before lol
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Old 04-13-2007, 05:15 AM   #117
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

TURNER BROWN

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this

HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and

says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle,

3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little white fellow faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy

says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guys says," What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give

you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 Feet

tall, I weigh 350 pounds,! I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle

Weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is

Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

Turn Around"
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:54 PM   #118
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Friends!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline; he then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:37 PM   #119
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brookfield View Post
Patient, Give me the bad news first

You have cancer & have about 2 years left

How can that be good news?

You also have Alzheimer's, in about 3 months you'll forget everything I just told you
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH LMAO, thats a good 1,

Nice ones from you too raffaz REP
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:53 PM   #120
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Default Re: Jokes Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raffaz View Post
Friends!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline; he then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
hahahahaha omg i wasnt expecting that. lol thats a classic. ill give you +1 if it will let me
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