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Old 03-28-2007, 07:23 AM   #101
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Idiots everywhere

This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they
could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would
you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how
he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also
requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR
email work without a telephone line?"

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I
had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that
she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and
he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they
only had iceberg.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people
doing driving?"

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I
already got that side."

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Old 03-28-2007, 10:13 AM   #102
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I went to topix.net and i said this:

Great-Spirit: Don't choose Christainity as a religion. Choose some ancient american religions. He kept ranting about this.

I said: You are the one insulting all the religions. Rub your cold heart against a stick and make smoke signals.

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
but life goes on.....
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Old 03-28-2007, 11:36 AM   #103
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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again


"Nope", she replies.


Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Old 03-28-2007, 12:34 PM   #104
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Originally Posted by Raffaz
Perfect Life

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
was driving their
perfect car along a winding road,when they noticed
someone at the side of the road
in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped
to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple;
and Santa Claus had an accident......Only one of
them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer)

Trust me, it's worth it!


The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the
**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still
reading, this illustrates another point:
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Old 03-29-2007, 10:43 PM   #105
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Old 03-29-2007, 11:04 PM   #106
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LMAO!! thats a damn good one raffaz!!!
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Old 03-31-2007, 10:36 AM   #107
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Patient, Give me the bad news first

You have cancer & have about 2 years left

How can that be good news?

You also have Alzheimer's, in about 3 months you'll forget everything I just told you
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Old 04-06-2007, 04:54 AM   #108
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Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress~2500.
Tuxedo rental~80.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is 4.00 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pen knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!
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Old 04-06-2007, 05:03 AM   #109
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Old 04-06-2007, 06:02 AM   #110
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