Jokes N Stuff!

[Smart_Guy]

No I'm William.

Oh!

Don't tell me your short name is Abraham

 

[Celery]

No it's Bill.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Sorry, my bad. The short name for Billiam is obviously Will.

How could I have missed that?

 

[Celery]

JED: I'm off to get me a new suit with a tie.

CLEM: Really? What's the occasion?

JED: I'm getting a Vasectomy tomorrow!

CLEM: What? You're just going to a doctor for a simple procedure. What's the suit for?

JED: Since I'm gonna be impotant I'm gonna look impotant!

 

[~mr mixx~]

Good one Celery...

How to translate work emails:

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I'll look into it. = I've already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don't ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you'll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

---------------------------------------------------

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

 

[Celery]

Warning: Go pee first before you watch this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STqi4HTUUmg

 

[Technician1]

The forum has a new complaint manager. Her name is Miss Waite and she is the best at resolving all types of complaints and has been doing this for 12 years during which time she has worked for companies like Microsoft, Intel, Boeing and others.
You can call her by first name, Helen.
So, if you ever have any complaints about the Web site, it's policies, practices, advertisers or members,or even just have a suggestion on anything you are now free to go straight to Helen Waite.

 

[Celery]

And if she's not there then Ben Dover and Phil McCracken.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Examiner: if you were driving fast and suddenly your husband, your brother and your dog cross the street in front of you, what do you you hit first?

Woman: well, my husband, of course!

Examiner: for the tenth time... YOU HIT THE BREAKS FIRST!

 

[Celery]

It's brakes SG.

Free English lesson brought to you by Celery.