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Old 11-14-2014, 02:17 AM   #31
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Nice guys!
@BikerEcho, No problem. Thank you all for adding to it. Please keep up the wonderful work!

Ok, heres one for you guys...
A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:
* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than sh*t".
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Old 11-14-2014, 02:27 AM   #32
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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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Old 11-15-2014, 08:26 PM   #33
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Nice one Draygoes...
--------------------------------------------
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

--------------------------------------------

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "Go with the good news first."
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."

-------------------------------------------

Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

-------------------------------------------

Mother said to the father "please have a word our son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
The father walks into the son's bed room "Son you must stop looking at porno magazines, they'll make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad".
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Old 11-15-2014, 10:02 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~mr mixx~ View Post
Nice one Draygoes...
Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
Now that, Cynthia would like, and even I like it!
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Old 11-17-2014, 07:57 PM   #35
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Mother said to the father "please have a word our son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
The father walks into the son's bed room "Son you must stop looking at porno magazines, they'll make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad".

-----------------------------------------------

What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.

-----------------------------------------------

Yesterday, I got high and went to Olive Garden.
Waitress: Would you like soup or salad?
Me: What the f*ck is a super salad?
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:37 PM   #36
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Haha nice jokes, cant get enough of it, here's my contribution, not as great but had a few chuckles.

I have an Ebola joke, but you wont get it.

-----------------------------------------------

There was one man who complained to god saying "why don't I get the things I want in life?" God replied "Cause you never asked" The man in complete disbelief challenged this and ask for what ever he wanted. God was more than happy to accommodate but warned that his neighbour would have double of what he'd asked for. The man thought that was okay so he went and asked for 1 million dollars. Surely enough he got the million dollars and his neighbour consequently got 2 million dollars. He then asked for a big mansion, fast cars, beautiful women and he couldn't stop! The man then got very jealous as his neighbour got double the satisfaction, so he made one last wish. "God please take one of my legs away".

-----------------------------------------------

A woman was pulled over by a blonde cop. The blonde officer approached to the woman's car and asked for her license and registration. The woman in a complete panic state was searching frantically in her bag for the items that the police requested. She then turned over the registration and a rectangular mirror which she then released she had given a mirror instead of her license. The police had a look at both items and then he said "oh I didn't know you were a police officer you can drive along" and returned her items. The woman confused got her items back and drove away.
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Old 11-18-2014, 01:31 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atomichybrid View Post
Haha nice jokes, cant get enough of it, here's my contribution, not as great but had a few chuckles.

I have an Ebola joke, but you wont get it.

-----------------------------------------------

There was one man who complained to god saying "why don't I get the things I want in life?" God replied "Cause you never asked" The man in complete disbelief challenged this and ask for what ever he wanted. God was more than happy to accommodate but warned that his neighbour would have double of what he'd asked for. The man thought that was okay so he went and asked for 1 million dollars. Surely enough he got the million dollars and his neighbour consequently got 2 million dollars. He then asked for a big mansion, fast cars, beautiful women and he couldn't stop! The man then got very jealous as his neighbour got double the satisfaction, so he made one last wish. "God please take one of my legs away".
Nice!
I didnt get the ebola.

I have heard the second joke in a slightly different format before, let me see if I can dig it up...
Ok, I cannot find it right now. If I find it, I will post it.

For now... I have two that you guys may like.


It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”


------------------------------------------------------------
Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman : So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into
the basement. Then I went t hrough every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer --- we'd both still be alive.
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Old 11-18-2014, 04:01 PM   #38
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Best joke you'll hear for a while...


A man wearing a trench coat walks into a bar and heads straight to the bar, climbs on top and throws open his coat to reveal a small man banging away at a piano. The bartender walks over in amazement and asks the man where he got his little friend. The man replies: "My genie, of course!"

The bartender, now skeptical, begins to reply when the man takes a lamp out of his coat pocket and hands it to the barkeep, saying "Go ahead, see for you yourself!"

The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, out pops a genie!

"Holy s**t!" Cries the bartender.

"I grant you one wish" says the Genie.

The bartender almost immediately blurts out "I want a million bucks!"

The Genie does a little shake and says "It is granted in your stock room."

Clearly skeptical, the bartender goes to his back room to find a million ducks!

He walks back to the man in the trench coat and says, "Hey bud, I think your Genie's a little slow." To which the man replies, "Did you honestly believe I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
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Old 11-19-2014, 02:28 AM   #39
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Nice one!
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Old 11-19-2014, 05:54 AM   #40
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A medical student is given a simple task. "Name three benefits of breastfeeding."
1) It's free food for your baby.
2) It has documented health benefits for both mother and child.

Then he's stumped and thinks for a moment before, saying, "Ah ha!"

3) It's packaged in attractive containers of varying sizes.

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