Originally Posted by atomichybrid
Haha nice jokes, cant get enough of it, here's my contribution, not as great but had a few chuckles.
I have an Ebola joke, but you wont get it.
There was one man who complained to god saying "why don't I get the things I want in life?" God replied "Cause you never asked" The man in complete disbelief challenged this and ask for what ever he wanted. God was more than happy to accommodate but warned that his neighbour would have double of what he'd asked for. The man thought that was okay so he went and asked for 1 million dollars. Surely enough he got the million dollars and his neighbour consequently got 2 million dollars. He then asked for a big mansion, fast cars, beautiful women and he couldn't stop! The man then got very jealous as his neighbour got double the satisfaction, so he made one last wish. "God please take one of my legs away".
I didnt get the ebola.
I have heard the second joke in a slightly different format before, let me see if I can dig it up...
Ok, I cannot find it right now. If I find it, I will post it.
For now... I have two that you guys may like.
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman : So, what happened?
2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into
the basement. Then I went t hrough every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer --- we'd both still be alive.