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Old 02-26-2015, 03:52 AM   #221
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Quote:
Originally Posted by strollin View Post
A bull is a male cow so if he was milking a bull and filling buckets, it's no wonder he kept kicking the bucket over!
Bahaha, brilliant.
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Old 02-26-2015, 08:55 AM   #222
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I do not understand that one LOL.

( can someone explain? xd )
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Old 02-26-2015, 09:05 AM   #223
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A guy bought a new Corvette and decided to see what it could do so he went for a drive out in the desert on a lonely road. He was tooling along at about 90mph when he came upon a hippie riding a bicycle. It was very hot out in the desert so the hippie was sweating profusely.

The Corvette stopped and offered the hippie a ride. However, the hippie refused to leave his bike behind (it was his only possession) and since a Corvette has no trunk, there was no place to put the bike. The Corvette driver came up with an idea, "We'll tie a rope to the bumper and your bike and I will tow you behind me. I'll give you this whistle so that if I am driving too fast, you can blow the whistle to let me know to slow down."

That sounded like a good idea to the hippie so they did it. The Corvette headed out down the road and after awhile the driver forgot about the hippie back there and let his speed creep up. Soon he heard, "Tweet! Tweet!" from the hippie blowing the whistle so he slowed back down.

Suddenly, another Corvette passed by at a high rate of speed. The driver couldn't let that challenge go by so he sped up to match the speed of the other Corvette. Soon they were racing side-by-side at 120+ mph with the hippie frantically blowing the whistle trying to get them to slow down.

They passed a cop parked along side the road. The cop jumped on the radio and said, "Chief! Chief! You're not going to believe this, I just clocked 2 'vettes racing down the road at over 120mph!" The chief radioed back, "What's to believe? They do that every day. Just chase them down and give them a ticket." The cop radioed back, "But Chief, I told you that you wouldn't believe this. There's a white faced hippie on a bicycle, blowing a whistle, trying to pass them!"
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Old 02-26-2015, 09:13 AM   #224
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Quote:
Originally Posted by strollin View Post
A guy bought a new Corvette and decided to see what it could do so he went for a drive out in the desert on a lonely road. He was tooling along at about 90mph when he came upon a hippie riding a bicycle. It was very hot out in the desert so the hippie was sweating profusely.

The Corvette stopped and offered the hippie a ride. However, the hippie refused to leave his bike behind (it was his only possession) and since a Corvette has no trunk, there was no place to put the bike. The Corvette driver came up with an idea, "We'll tie a rope to the bumper and your bike and I will tow you behind me. I'll give you this whistle so that if I am driving too fast, you can blow the whistle to let me know to slow down."

That sounded like a good idea to the hippie so they did it. The Corvette headed out down the road and after awhile the driver forgot about the hippie back there and let his speed creep up. Soon he heard, "Tweet! Tweet!" from the hippie blowing the whistle so he slowed back down.

Suddenly, another Corvette passed by at a high rate of speed. The driver couldn't let that challenge go by so he sped up to match the speed of the other Corvette. Soon they were racing side-by-side at 120+ mph with the hippie frantically blowing the whistle trying to get them to slow down.

They passed a cop parked along side the road. The cop jumped on the radio and said, "Chief! Chief! You're not going to believe this, I just clocked 2 'vettes racing down the road at over 120mph!" The chief radioed back, "What's to believe? They do that every day. Just chase them down and give them a ticket." The cop radioed back, "But Chief, I told you that you wouldn't believe this. There's a white faced hippie on a bicycle, blowing a whistle, trying to pass them!"
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Old 02-27-2015, 12:49 PM   #225
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Husband and wife decided to commit suicide after getting fed up with life (with themselves obviously lol) so both went on top of the highest building they could find (50 stories) to jump over, both wearing their wedding dresses as a courtesy . Three, two, one and they both attempt to jump, the wife jumps but the husband tricks her and stays there just to get rid of her. The wife then takes a parachute hidden under her wide and long skirt to save her own life.

They of course live happily ever after.

I wonder which one is considered the bigger traitor here!
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Old 02-27-2015, 01:54 PM   #226
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They were both equally traitorous which is why they lived happily ever after. Just like 2 peas in a pod.
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Old 02-27-2015, 02:29 PM   #227
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Maybe the wife was planning to save her life and his life with the parachute... wait, maybe the husband saw the parachute hidden and decided to pull a prank.

I think the real traitor of that story is the author.

I'm not the author btw.
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Old 02-27-2015, 03:43 PM   #228
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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey pirate, do you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrh, I know, it's drivin me nuts"

------------------------------------------

A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frogpulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheardthe conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundredyears old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give thatfrog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

-----------------------------------------

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly

Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony

says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane

that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry

cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually

Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek

of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can

e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss

couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie

bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
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Old 03-02-2015, 06:18 PM   #229
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

A freshman at college was learning his way around the campus when he spotted an upperclassman.

Excuse me sir, do you know where the library's at?

My dear good man, around here we do not end our question with a preposition.

Ok, let me try again. Do you know where the library's at, a**hole?
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Old 03-04-2015, 09:08 PM   #230
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If you fail to laugh at this, you are a robot... or old.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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