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Old 02-18-2015, 05:22 PM   #171
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Junior! Time to get up or you're gonna be late for school!

Aw mom, I don't wanna go.

Get up! You HAVE to go to school!

Aw mom, give me a reason why I should go.

I'll give you two reasons. One, you're 36 years old and two, you're the principal of the school.

NOW GET UP!!!
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Old 02-18-2015, 06:24 PM   #172
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A wife talking to her husband.

Henry, take off my dress. (He does as she asks)

Henry, take off my slip. (He does as she asks)

Henry, take off my brassiere. (He does as she asks)

Henry, take off my panties. (He does as she asks)

Now Henry, don't you ever let me catch you wearing them again!
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Old 02-19-2015, 06:03 AM   #173
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Three familiar crazy people saw an ambulance going away fast. They ran after it as fast as they could while yelling "WAIT, ICE CREAM"

Ambulances sometimes look like ice cream vans, don't that
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Old 02-19-2015, 11:26 AM   #174
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A thief broke into my house last night... He started searching for money so I woke up and started searching with him.


A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Myp*nis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Someone said they like Yo mama jokes? :

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
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Old 02-19-2015, 04:13 PM   #175
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Haha.....you guys are killing me.

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

---------------------------------------------

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
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Old 02-19-2015, 04:54 PM   #176
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I like the last one lol!

What does a rooster and a hooker have in common in the morning? A rooster goes, "Cockadoododoo!" and a hooker goes, "Any c*ck will do!"

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:37 PM   #177
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Two Russian hunters met up in the woods and one said, "I can't get any bear. How did you get yours?

"I stood in front of a cave and whistled." "When he came out I shot him."

"Hmm... I gotta try that. Thanks." and they parted way.

A month later the two hunters happened to meet up in town but the hunter was bruised badly, has a cast on his leg and an arm and using a crutch to get around.

"What happened?"

"You remember you told about standing in front of the cave and whistled for the bear to come out?"

"Wow, the bear did that to you?

"No, The Trans Siberian Express did."
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:49 PM   #178
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What word in the English language starts with the letter 'f' and ends with the letters 'uck'?

firetruck
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Old 02-19-2015, 06:25 PM   #179
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Two dogs had a fight, one of them called the other son of a b****. The other one told him to watch his language!
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Old 02-21-2015, 03:38 PM   #180
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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, and the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

------------------------------------

A little girl and her mother are at chuch when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.

When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.

"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

-------------------------------------

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.

The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."
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