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Old 12-29-2014, 09:08 AM   #91
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Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
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Old 12-29-2014, 09:16 AM   #92
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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,

-by his wife, Discretion,

-by his daughter, Responsibility,

-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I'm A Victim

- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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Old 12-29-2014, 03:31 PM   #93
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Draygoes View Post
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
Nope, that's not the reason in my case. I was laying on the center line licking my jewels and got hit by a truck.
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Old 12-30-2014, 01:03 AM   #94
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Nope, that's not the reason in my case. I was laying on the center line licking my jewels and got hit by a truck.
You work in the jewelry industry?

You must be rich!
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Old 12-30-2014, 04:20 PM   #95
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You missed the meaning for jewels. It meant family jewels.
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Old 12-30-2014, 05:37 PM   #96
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LOL, you guys. I think he was kidding.
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Old 12-30-2014, 11:09 PM   #97
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The highway patrol pulled over a car with two women for driving too slow.

Patrol: Maam, you're going to have to speed up to 55 mph on this highway. You're doing only 36 mph.

Driver: But officer, that sign back there says 36.

Patrol: Maam, that's the name of the highway you're on. It's not a speed limit sign.

Passenger: HUH!

Patrol: (looking in the car and see her shaking) Maam. are you all right?

Passenger: We just got off 113.
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Old 12-31-2014, 12:16 AM   #98
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NICE! I am keeping that one! XD
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Old 12-31-2014, 05:07 PM   #99
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Good one Celery...

A man won the lottery and came home, told his wife,
"Honey, pack your clothes, I won the lottery"
"Oh, where are we going?" she said. The man replied,
"Your going to stay at your mother's house for 2 months."

------------------------------------

Two men both drag their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

-----------------------------------

My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?
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Old 01-01-2015, 01:29 AM   #100
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You missed the meaning for jewels. It meant family jewels.
Your family intrust you with their jewels? You must be really tough and trust worthy to accept such great responsibility!

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LOL, you guys. I think he was kidding.
Well, this is the Jokes N Stuff thread
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