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Old 11-07-2014, 06:31 AM   #1
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Default Jokes N Stuff!

This is another thing that I have seen go very well on other forums. Besides, I love jokes!

Please lets just make a rule that nobody takes offense to a joke. Its just a joke after all.



Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

---------- Post added at 07:31 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:29 AM ----------

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:13 AM   #2
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:34 AM   #3
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Hahaha. good one.

Here is a dark one.
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:36 AM   #4
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Pffft!!! Dark but FUNNY!
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:44 AM   #5
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

___
For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Old 11-07-2014, 08:23 AM   #6
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Quote:
< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.
Considering the age, it meant somthing at the time.
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:47 PM   #7
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A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...




"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
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Old 11-07-2014, 06:23 PM   #8
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

HAHA, those are all funny jokes....Here is my little contribution.

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Old 11-07-2014, 07:21 PM   #9
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

I have seen that, and still love it! ROFL!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living..'
'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There, that should offend just about everybody.
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Old 11-08-2014, 06:09 AM   #10
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Patient: doc, every time I drink tea, my right eye hurts!

Doctor: try drinking the tea AFTER you remove the tea spoon.

-------------------------------------

Someone went inside a mosque with a big sharp knife and ask in a clearly heard voice "who's Muslim among you?", no one answered, except for one brave man; "I am" he said.

The man with the knife says "come with me". Both went out.

The man with the knife, "please slaughter and skin this sheep for me in the Islamic way".

The Muslims replied, I'll slaughter it for you, but I'm not good at skinning it. Go ask if there is anyone else in the mosque can do it.

The man with the knife went back to the mosque with the big knife in his hand covered with blood and asked, "is there another Muslim here?".

Everyone pointed at the imam.

The imam yelled at them: "hey, just because I prayed for you, you made a Muslim out of me?"!!!

Moral: if your car's A/C is not working, fix it before summers comes!

------------------------------------------

Wife to husband: how many times have you cheated on me?

Husband: as many hairs I have on my head.

Wife goes to room and cries... she then remembers that her husband is bald!

Wife goes back to husband and hits him on his bald head and says: take that you over grown bald baby

------------------------------------------

Wife: if you buy me a car, I'll give away half of my life.

Husband: okay, I'll buy you two cars.

-------------------------------------------

Teacher: give an example of a useful insect.

Student: hmm... a bee!

Teacher: excellent. Give another example of a useful insect.

Student: erm... ah... another bee!

-------------------------------------------

Brunette: please call me a cab.

Blonde: you're a cab.

Brunette: *face palm* I can't blame you. It's in your genes.

Blonde: *searches in the pockets of her jeans pants and says there is nothing in her Jeans*

---------------------------------------------

Jojo: hey guys, let's go to the sun.

Guys: are you crazy? We will burn there!

Jojo: oh... okay then, lets go there at night.

------------------------------------------------

What is the animal that says meow?

A dog acting like a cat!

----------------------------------------------------

Student1: teachers art stupid

Student2: how come?

Student1: they keep asking us questions everyone knows their answers!

Note:
art = are

------------------------------------------------------

An idiot took an exam alone... and scored third!

----------------------------------------------------

That's it for now
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Old 11-08-2014, 05:04 PM   #11
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

ROFL Nice!!!
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Old 11-08-2014, 09:06 PM   #12
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Andy an 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up..
The doctor was amazed at what good shape he was in and asked: ’How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

’I am Scottish and I am a golfer,’ said Andy: ’and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that’s it.’

’Well,’ said the doctor, ’I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’

’Who said my Dad died?’

The doctor was amazed.
’You mean you are 84 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?’

He is 105 years old,’ said old Andy. ’In fact he golfed
wi’ me this mornin’, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a nither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.’

’Well,’ the doctor said, ’that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’

’Who said my Grandad is dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asked, ’You mean you are 84 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

’He is 127 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
’So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

’No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin’ because he is getting married today’

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. ’Getting married!!
Why would a 127 year-old bloke want to get married?’


’Who said he wanted to?’
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Old 11-09-2014, 10:10 AM   #13
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Guy 1: So, waiting on top of mountains in rainstorms wearing a big iron hat while standing over a vat of toxic waste filled with irradiated insects hoping to get superpowers…might NOT be the best idea?

Guy 2: Only if your parents are alive.
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Old 11-09-2014, 06:00 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Draygoes View Post
I have seen that, and still love it! ROFL!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living..'
'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There, that should offend just about everybody.
Draygoes: If you know so much about the Commandments, you would know that the guys at the end of your tale took twenty, sold ten on quickly and made a nice profit.
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Old 11-09-2014, 06:11 PM   #15
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

You make a good point!
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Old 11-10-2014, 08:45 PM   #16
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How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to

share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of

pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry

him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and

close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never

mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually

enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides

a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom

and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and

quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through

the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,

The Dog.
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Old 11-11-2014, 04:06 AM   #17
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So a priest and a nun were out golfing one day. The priest, however, is a terrible golfer. He lines up his first shot and promptly hits the ball into the rough.
"F*ck, I missed!" he cursed.
"Father," cried the nun, "don't use that kind of language!"
So he goes to the next hole and promptly sends it straight into the lake.
"F*ck, I missed!" the father said again, under his breath.
The nun had heard him,however. "Father, if you use that language again, the Lord will strike you down!" she warned.
The priest lines up his shot again. Despite his best efforts, the ball falls into a sandtrap. Before he can react, however, a lightning bolt shoots down from the sky and kills the nun instantly. From very far off in the distance, a booming voice is heard saying "F*ck, I missed!"
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Old 11-11-2014, 05:00 AM   #18
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

That made my night! Thanks!
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Old 11-11-2014, 05:09 AM   #19
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

Hahaha. Just read the "how to wash a toilet" joke. Good one.
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Old 11-11-2014, 05:31 AM   #20
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Default Re: Jokes N Stuff!

I dont have a favorite joke, but that one is definatly one of them.
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