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Old 06-04-2005, 09:27 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by EliteGamer
Nice find, but I've heard most of these jokes.
Heard these...

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother. Where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and for ever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night ... as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

An employee from Intel, IBM and Sun go to the bathroom for a leak. When they finish they all go to wash their hands.

The guy from Intel washes his hands, goes to a roll of paper towels, pulls out every last sheet and dries his hands thoroughly with them. He says to the others 'At Intel, we are very thorough.'

The guy from IBM washes his hands, goes to another roll and rips off a single sheet and carefully and methodically dries every inch of his hands and says 'At IBM, we are very thorough and very efficient.'

The guy from Sun watches them, then turns to walk out with them. 'At Sun, we don't piss on our hands.'

Two nuns are driving at night in the swamp. A vampire flys out of the swamp and lands on the hood of their car. The nun who's driving says to the other nun, "Quick! Sister! Show him your cross!" The second nun leans out of the window, grabs the vampire and screams,

"Get the hell off my car!"

Wombats do it in the dark.
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Old 06-04-2005, 09:30 PM   #12
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Default Re: Joke Thread

I like the last two.

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Old 06-05-2005, 04:31 AM   #13
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|Very funny!
[url=http://www.LNXPS.NET]LNXPS.NET - The XPS Library]
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Old 06-05-2005, 04:44 AM   #14
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A man comes to see a doctor.

"Doctor! Doctor! Theres a peice of lettuce poking out my bottom!"

The doctor looks at it and shakes his head gravely..

"Im afraid thats only the tip of the iceburg"
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Old 06-05-2005, 09:38 AM   #15
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I found this on holiday at the swanage steam railway shop,

My wife said if i buy more than one train shell leave me

Then under it said,
I miss her!!
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Old 06-05-2005, 03:57 PM   #16
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The Mule Raffle

An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news." "The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Dog And Cat Diaries

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favourite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favourite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favourite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favourite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favourite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favourite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair -- must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.

Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

However, I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
Wombats do it in the dark.
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Old 06-06-2005, 03:53 AM   #17
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They are all excellent!

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