If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,
always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next
to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
by running a bit slower.
Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching
anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know