Fml

~NeonFire372~

Golden Master
Messages
7,536
Having a bad day? http://www.fmylife.com/

Today, I was putting a password in my computer while my girlfriend watched. I typed in 'mypenis' for the password and a screen popped up and said 'too short', my girlfriend looked at me and said 'I agree". FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying "You definitely take after your mom". FML

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory and afterwards the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for ten minutes. FML

Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

Today, I carefully approached my boyfriend from behind and put my hands on his eyes saying: “Who's there?” he answered: “Mary? Camilla? Kate? ». Annoyed, I said « You lose; it's your beloved one… ». After a while, he said « Oh! Amanda! ». My name is Chloe. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

Today, I'm a French girl in England, and a cute boy asked me where I live exactly. When I told him Paris, he answered 'oh strange, I always thought parisians were the most beautiful women in the world'... FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend, while a beautiful girl was looking at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want my girl to be upset, so I escaped to the bar. Later, I saw this girl kissing my girlfriend... Maybe I wasn't the one that she was looking at. FML
 
Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

Hhaha, thats a good one
 
I lol'd at these as well, especially the second one:

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
 
"Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It's your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML"

"Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancee: "I don't know what I'd do without you...". She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML"

"Today, the real estate guy came with potential buyers to visit my house. He opened my bedroom while I was wanking. FML"

"Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him "about a dollar?" He said "wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML"

"Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML"

"Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML"

"Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML"
 
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