Jokes N Stuff!

[Celery]

Smart Guy, sometimes you're disgusting.

 

[strollin]

I forgot to change the color of the text on the punchline lol

Anyway, this is safe for work.
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve (ontheline.Jokes)

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

That one is so old that I remember telling it as a kid 50 years ago!

 

[Draygoes]

After Jackson safely got up from that fall and had a word with Brandon's mother, they both decided to take a walk to clear things up between them. On their way, they found some pile of brown stuff on the pavement.

Brandon: hey look Jackson, it's poop!
Jackson: no silly, that's chocolate!

Brandon: wanna bet? let's taste it and find out.
Jackson: you're on.

(they both taste it)

Brandon: see? it's poop after all.
Jackson: yeah, you're right. That's a close one, good thing we didn't step on it.

Well, there goes lunch.

 

[~mr mixx~]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Smart_Guy]

Smart Guy, sometimes you're disgusting.

Well, I don't throw talking snails into the drain

 

[Celery]

Touche'

 

[~mr mixx~]

A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.

"I've got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer.

The Rabbi say's, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves.

Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.

He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."

The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves.

Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.

"Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.

The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves.

Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.

 

[NikonGuy]

Person 1: What did the ocean say to the other?
Person 2: Idk
Person 1: Nothing, they just waved.
Person 2: Oh
Person 1: Do you sea what I did there?
Person 2: Yes
Person 1: Are you shore?
Person 2: You're retarded
Person 1: Don't be such a beach.

 

[Celery]

^^^ LOL good one.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Those two persons must be Italians...