Jokes N Stuff!

[Celery]

This is a true funny story about my sister. She was going to her friend's house to get ready for a Halloween party. She's going to be a witch, black robe, pointed hat, green paint and wig.

When she came home our German Sheppard, Bear, will not let her in the house. She tried to tell Bear it's her but he will not let her in the house at all as long she looked like a witch (which is good costume she did).

She had to wash off the green paint with a water hose in the front yard, take off the wig and the hat. Then Bear wagged his tail happy that she's home.

I was laughing my ass off through this.

 

[Draygoes]

LOL Thats my kind of dog!

 

[Celery]

The burglar got in a house late at night and as he looked around he hear this:

Jesus is watching you!

He froze and waited then again:

Jesus is watching you!

Who said that? the burglar asked.

Homer.

The burglar looked around and spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

Huh, a parrot! Now what idiot name his bird Homer?

The same idiot that named his Mastiff Jesus!

 

[Draygoes]

That one I have heard, but still get lolz every time I read it.

 

[BikerEcho]

Here is some funny texts messages between 2 ex-lovers.
It's from a danish webpage so let me translate the headline. (the rest is in English)
"She was unfaithful to him for 2 years. See what he replies when she asked for a second chance"
Note: There are a few swear words.


Hun var ham utro i 2 år - Se hvad han svarer da hun beder om en chance mere - Nuher

 

[Draygoes]

Ok, I just woke up Cynthia laughing!

 

[Celery]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

[BikerEcho]

Draygoes: Yeah i was laughing hard as well. It's just so disgusting and brilliant at the same time.

Celery:
Haha. Those were great. Specially the one about the female being a fridge.

 

[strollin]

A traveling salesman stops in a bar and sees a sign that says, "Make the horse laugh - win $500". He asks the bartender if he can try and is told, "Sure, the horse is in the corral out back but no one has ever made him laugh." The salesman goes out back but soon comes back in and asks for the $500. The bartender looks out in the corral and the horse is rolling on the ground laughing. The bartender gives him the $500 and the salesman leaves.

A few months later the traveling salesman stops at the bar again and sees a new sign that says, "Make the horse cry - Win $1000". The salesman goes out but soon comes back in demanding the $1000. The bartender looks out in the corral and sees the horse is crying and sobbing. As the bartender pays the salesman he says, "You gotta at least tell me how you did it." The salesman says, "It was easy. To make him laugh I told him my d*ck was bigger than his. To make him cry, I showed him."

-----------------------

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "Can you guess what I found in Father Flannigan's nightstand?" The second nun answered, "I know what you found, a box of condoms. I fixed him, I poked holes in all of them!"

The third nun fainted.

 

[Draygoes]

Both Nice!!!

Social Media Examples Using Donuts

TWITTER: I'm eating a donut
FACEBOOK: I like eating donuts
FOURSQUARE: This is where I eat donuts
INSTAGRAM: Here is a vintage picture of my donut
YOUTUBE: Here I am eating a donut
LINKED IN: My skills include donut eating
PINTEREST: Here is a donut recipe
LAST FM: now listening to "Donuts"
G+: I am a Google employee who eats donuts



All hail the confectionery ring!