Jokes N Stuff!

[DogSong]

A blonde walked into a library, walked to the librarian, and said "Hello, I would like a cheeseburger and french fries" in a loud voice.

The librarian whispered back to the blonde "Oh my god, are you crazy? This is a library!"

The blonde whispered back "Oh my god I'm so sorry! I would like a cheeseburger and french fries."

 

[Celery]

That remind's me:

An Aggie just got his diploma and wanted to celebrate so he walked up to the counter and said, "Yo barkeep, pour me a stiff one. I've just graduated and I'm celebrating!"

The owner looked at him and said, "let me guess, you're from A&M right?"

"yeah, how'd you guess?"

"This is a hardware store."

 

[Draygoes]

LOL Both nice!

 

[~mr mixx~]

Umm... why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was too chicken s**t to cross the highway...

 

[Smart_Guy]

Can I borrow that? I am going to borrow that...

It's all yours

 

[Draygoes]

Grandad remembering the good old days...

When i was a boy, my Momma would send me
down to the corner store with $1, and
I'd come come back with:

5 bags of potatoes,
2 loaves of bread,
3 bottles of milk,
a hunk of cheese,
a box of tea and
6 eggs.

You can't do that now.
Too many fu*kin cameras.

 

[BK_123]

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

 

[Smart_Guy]

American enters a bar and finds two ladies speaking English in a way he's not familiar with. He gets close and asks: "Are you girls from Scotland?". One of them looks at him with anger and says: "Wales you idiot". The man says with a puzzled face after a long pause: "Oh, um, are you whales from Scotland?"

Moral: don't go to bars and act cool to girls.

 

[Draygoes]

NSFW!

Ok. I do not remember where I learned this from, and the details from it are somewhat unclear... So, I present to you, the version of the joke that has gotten quite a few laughs even though it is not the entire joke. (I am typing the jest of it from memory.)


A white man, a black man, and a chinese man are driving down the highway when they see a sign that says "Will pay $10000.00 USD to the person that can produce a blue baby with my wife."

The white man goes in, and 9 months later produces a white baby.
The black man goes in, and 9 months later produces a black baby.
The chienese man goes in, and 9 months later was able to produce a black baby.

The white and black men ask him how he did it and he responds...

Me chinese, me think quick, me put Windex on me d*ck!

P.S.
Why do the spoiler tags not work?

 

[Celery]

Me think you made a mistake Draygoes.