Jokes N Stuff!

[iPwn]

The other day I was walking down the street when I saw a tv for sale in a shop window. It had a sign that said: "For sale. $1. Volume button broken"

I thought to myself: "I can't turn that down"

 

[Draygoes]

Got it? "to die" as in the British "today" and yesterday as in "yus-tuh-die"?

That is a thing of beauty!

 

[jmacavali]

The other day I was walking down the street when I saw a tv for sale in a shop window. It had a sign that said: "For sale. $1. Volume button broken"

I thought to myself: "I can't turn that down"

Well now I gotta clean up the coffee on my keyboard that I just spit out.

 

[Draygoes]

Well now I gotta clean up the coffee on my keyboard that I just spit out.

Is that not the point of this thread?

 

[Draygoes]

1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels *beep*. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.


6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.


OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

 

[~mr mixx~]

Ok I don't know about a 6 star hangover, but does waking up next to the toilet count?....j/k

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Instead, there would just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

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Dear Algebra
please stop asking us to find your x
she is not coming back

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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my son's toy chest.

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Just tried to kill a spider with some Axe Body Spray but it survived and is now trying to make inappropriate sexual advances towards me.

 

[Smart_Guy]

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Here

I actually never had hangovers before

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Three eyes and one leg, what is it?

The traffic light

 

[Draygoes]

Just tried to kill a spider with some Axe Body Spray but it survived and is now trying to make inappropriate sexual advances towards me.

Hah nice! This is my first time hearing that one.

 

[Draygoes]

Teacher: “Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.”
Wee Jocky (a typical Glasgow nyaff) thinks, “Ya dancer! Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come oan the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.”
Teacher: “Right class, who can tell me who said, ‘Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. “Yes Jeremy?”
Jeremy (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy, inauguration speech 1960.”
Teacher: “Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.”
The next Thursday comes round and wee Jocky is even more determined.
Teacher: “Who said, ‘We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender'?”
Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.”
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: “Yes Timothy?”
Timothy (in a very, very posh English accent): “Yes Miss. The answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”
Teacher: “Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”
The following Thursday comes round and wee Jocky is hyper. He's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: “Who said ‘ One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?”
Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, “Me Miss. Me Miss. I know. I know. Me Miss. Me Miss. Meeeee.”
Teacher looking round picks Rupert, sitting at the front. “Yes Rupert?”
Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): “Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.”
Teacher: “Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”
Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk over and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, “Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?”
Teacher looking round the class: “Who said that?”
Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
“Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday!”

 

[Draygoes]

a couple of young boys see some swearing on TV and decide it'll be fun to repeat the words to their mother. The next morning, they're at the breakfast table. Mum asks the youngest one: "what do you want for breakfast?" He replies: "well shit, I think I'll have some Coco Pops."
His shocked mother slaps him. He starts crying. She turns him away from the breakfast table to think about what he's done.
She turns to the older boy: "what would you like for breakfast?" He replies: "I sure don't want any fucking Coco Pops!"