dude_56013
Fully Optimized
- Messages
- 4,262
So, I thought that as my senior year wraps up (done on the 2nd), I would reflect a little in my 1,000 post here on CF. I'm a pretty closed person typically, but I feel that maybe someone can hear my story…and maybe draw some meaning or similarities from it. Plus, it'll be a good brain teaser since I'm graduation as valedictorian (out of 95 or so..) and have to give a graduation speech at commencement.
Well, I'm an only child…I can't say I've particularly liked it a lot or not. It's gotten lonely at times, but at other times, it's been nice to feel like I'm the one who's being been taken care of 100% by my parents…and it feels good to give back to them with all of my accomplishments that can, honestly, be pretty directly attributed to them and how I was raised. I've been overweight (I'm sure the hospital would like to call me morbidly obese, but I don't plan on dying anytime soon…more on that later) all of my life, and honestly, if you've been skinny all of your life-I don't give a damn what you want to say to defend yourself-but, you just don't know what it's like. It's not just being teased your whole life by others around you, it's the whole mindset and emotions that come with being overweight. You are constantly wondering how you look…what other people are probably thinking about you…etc, etc. It's just not been fun. I was overweight through 3rd grade, and then in 4th grade, I was diagnosed with depression, which put me on some pathetic meds till about 6th grade that made me gain even more weight. So I've probably been obese since 4th grade. I had always done well in school, and once I got to middle school (7th/8th grade), doing well became a cover up for my physical setbacks. I started to become a perfectionist, and if there's one thing that I could change now, it would be that. All through high school I worked my ass off to show that I was more than what I looked like, and to my true friends and family, they knew it. I've had a 4.0+ GPA since 9th grade, and took college classes since 11th grade. It's been a ride filled with pot holes and ditches, but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So, looking back, I can't say that I'd change anything. I know that all of these experiences have brought me to who I am today.
I've always tried to change along the way, but it never much mattered. I joined Weight Watchers in 8th grade, and me and my family all lost quite a bit of weight. However, out of all of us, my uncle was the only one to keep it off. I lost my 50 lbs, and gained it all back, plus some. It just came to a point where I still didn't feel good enough emotionally about myself that nothing mattered, I think. Well, I've finally come to realize that I need a permanent solution to my weight problem. Because until I feel comfortable with my weight, I won't feel comfortable emotionally, and I know I won't feel okay around other people. So next month, I'll be going under the knife to have a non-invasive procedure done called the Lap Band (if you wanna know more, google it please). It's completely reversible, but it's as effective as gastric bypass (again, google) and many friends of my family's have lost upwards of 100 lbs or more, which would put me right where I want to be. It's crazy to think that I'm 18 and want weight loss surgery, but it's something I know I have to do to make the emotional changes that will make me happy in the long run. Without God by my side, I don't know how I've even made it this far without everything going down the drain.
Anyways, so next year I'll be headed to the University of Sioux Falls, South Dakota…about 2 hours from home (just right). No one is following me from my small town (aka, no one else I know will be there…not even one person from my school) and I can say very proudly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I want a fresh start. By then, I'll be about 30 pounds (give or take probably) lighter, and will probably feeling good, and I don't need any old memories or people to bring me down. I've got a half tuition/board scholarship worth $60,000 over 4 years which I plan to use in its entirety to get my Masters in Business (concentration in economics) with hopefully a minor/major in computers and a minor in music of some sort. I want to teach computers/business at the college level. Anyways, I just cannot stress enough how much I will not miss high school. No one…NO ONE could pay me to go back to high school. If I had the chance, I'd tell a lot of people what I think of them…in fact, I have. I don't have many friends, and to be honest, I could care less. Most of the friends I have had or have now, I am learning don't really give a sh*t about me anyways…I've got one best friend, and she's the only person who's been through some of the same stuff as me and is still by my side. I just cannot wait to get the hell out of this small town…to where I can start a new life…not a new chapter, but a whole new frickin' BOOK.
Without Faith, I don't know where I'd be. God has truly been the only person I've been able to turn to at any/all times. One of the toughest things for me in high school was finding someone to be with. I finally found her my senior year, and I don't really know how it happened. I had felt bad about myself for so long that even to this day I don't understand fully how anyone could even give me a chance, but she did. Well, 5 months into things, she just wouldn't open up. I loved her with all of my heart, and I thought she felt the same. She was too attached to her parents. Always had a curfew, could never do anything….I got to see her once a week if I was lucky, whereas I was always shifting things around, pulling all nighters to get homework done to see her for just a few hours. I finally told her how I felt…all that she had been putting me through, and basically, instead of trying to fix things or realize the situation, she told me she never really loved me and broke up with me. I still don't know how all of this unfolded…it was just so hard for me at the time…I had no one to lean on but her, and even she left.
Anyways, I just thought I'd share this. I've been so stressed out as I come to my senior year's end that I've just been needing to sit, relax, and calm down and just think about the very few days I have left that I have to put up with the situation I'm in. I'm feeling good just knowing the end is near. I've been rewarded so little for everything in high school, and I just know that it's been this way to make me stronger…that God has a plan and no matter how hard we wish or pray, he does what's best for us…and my best is yet to come. It's all down-hill from here.
This wasn't written for you to judge me, either. This was written so that any of you who genuinely feel the same know that you are not alone and know that everything will be alright in the end. That the Lord will lead us to better things. If you've read through this thing this far, I applaud you, and I wish you the best in whatever and wherever life and the Lord takes you. And know, that even if you do not believe in God..in Christianity..in being seated beside Him forever; I will still pray for you…pray that you will have guidance and a peaceful life as well.
Zac
Well, I'm an only child…I can't say I've particularly liked it a lot or not. It's gotten lonely at times, but at other times, it's been nice to feel like I'm the one who's being been taken care of 100% by my parents…and it feels good to give back to them with all of my accomplishments that can, honestly, be pretty directly attributed to them and how I was raised. I've been overweight (I'm sure the hospital would like to call me morbidly obese, but I don't plan on dying anytime soon…more on that later) all of my life, and honestly, if you've been skinny all of your life-I don't give a damn what you want to say to defend yourself-but, you just don't know what it's like. It's not just being teased your whole life by others around you, it's the whole mindset and emotions that come with being overweight. You are constantly wondering how you look…what other people are probably thinking about you…etc, etc. It's just not been fun. I was overweight through 3rd grade, and then in 4th grade, I was diagnosed with depression, which put me on some pathetic meds till about 6th grade that made me gain even more weight. So I've probably been obese since 4th grade. I had always done well in school, and once I got to middle school (7th/8th grade), doing well became a cover up for my physical setbacks. I started to become a perfectionist, and if there's one thing that I could change now, it would be that. All through high school I worked my ass off to show that I was more than what I looked like, and to my true friends and family, they knew it. I've had a 4.0+ GPA since 9th grade, and took college classes since 11th grade. It's been a ride filled with pot holes and ditches, but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So, looking back, I can't say that I'd change anything. I know that all of these experiences have brought me to who I am today.
I've always tried to change along the way, but it never much mattered. I joined Weight Watchers in 8th grade, and me and my family all lost quite a bit of weight. However, out of all of us, my uncle was the only one to keep it off. I lost my 50 lbs, and gained it all back, plus some. It just came to a point where I still didn't feel good enough emotionally about myself that nothing mattered, I think. Well, I've finally come to realize that I need a permanent solution to my weight problem. Because until I feel comfortable with my weight, I won't feel comfortable emotionally, and I know I won't feel okay around other people. So next month, I'll be going under the knife to have a non-invasive procedure done called the Lap Band (if you wanna know more, google it please). It's completely reversible, but it's as effective as gastric bypass (again, google) and many friends of my family's have lost upwards of 100 lbs or more, which would put me right where I want to be. It's crazy to think that I'm 18 and want weight loss surgery, but it's something I know I have to do to make the emotional changes that will make me happy in the long run. Without God by my side, I don't know how I've even made it this far without everything going down the drain.
Anyways, so next year I'll be headed to the University of Sioux Falls, South Dakota…about 2 hours from home (just right). No one is following me from my small town (aka, no one else I know will be there…not even one person from my school) and I can say very proudly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I want a fresh start. By then, I'll be about 30 pounds (give or take probably) lighter, and will probably feeling good, and I don't need any old memories or people to bring me down. I've got a half tuition/board scholarship worth $60,000 over 4 years which I plan to use in its entirety to get my Masters in Business (concentration in economics) with hopefully a minor/major in computers and a minor in music of some sort. I want to teach computers/business at the college level. Anyways, I just cannot stress enough how much I will not miss high school. No one…NO ONE could pay me to go back to high school. If I had the chance, I'd tell a lot of people what I think of them…in fact, I have. I don't have many friends, and to be honest, I could care less. Most of the friends I have had or have now, I am learning don't really give a sh*t about me anyways…I've got one best friend, and she's the only person who's been through some of the same stuff as me and is still by my side. I just cannot wait to get the hell out of this small town…to where I can start a new life…not a new chapter, but a whole new frickin' BOOK.
Without Faith, I don't know where I'd be. God has truly been the only person I've been able to turn to at any/all times. One of the toughest things for me in high school was finding someone to be with. I finally found her my senior year, and I don't really know how it happened. I had felt bad about myself for so long that even to this day I don't understand fully how anyone could even give me a chance, but she did. Well, 5 months into things, she just wouldn't open up. I loved her with all of my heart, and I thought she felt the same. She was too attached to her parents. Always had a curfew, could never do anything….I got to see her once a week if I was lucky, whereas I was always shifting things around, pulling all nighters to get homework done to see her for just a few hours. I finally told her how I felt…all that she had been putting me through, and basically, instead of trying to fix things or realize the situation, she told me she never really loved me and broke up with me. I still don't know how all of this unfolded…it was just so hard for me at the time…I had no one to lean on but her, and even she left.
Anyways, I just thought I'd share this. I've been so stressed out as I come to my senior year's end that I've just been needing to sit, relax, and calm down and just think about the very few days I have left that I have to put up with the situation I'm in. I'm feeling good just knowing the end is near. I've been rewarded so little for everything in high school, and I just know that it's been this way to make me stronger…that God has a plan and no matter how hard we wish or pray, he does what's best for us…and my best is yet to come. It's all down-hill from here.
This wasn't written for you to judge me, either. This was written so that any of you who genuinely feel the same know that you are not alone and know that everything will be alright in the end. That the Lord will lead us to better things. If you've read through this thing this far, I applaud you, and I wish you the best in whatever and wherever life and the Lord takes you. And know, that even if you do not believe in God..in Christianity..in being seated beside Him forever; I will still pray for you…pray that you will have guidance and a peaceful life as well.
Zac
