Jokes Thread

[Holysky]

Homemade joke coming up

A duck walks into a bar and asks "you got any grapes?"

Bartender says "no we only serve alcohol here"

Duck walks out only to come in the next day

says "Got any grapes?"

Bartender says "NO!! we only serve alcohol here!"

Duck walks out casually and again comes in the next day

"got any grapes?"

the Bartender is furious and yells out" NO WE ONLY SERVE ALCOHOL, NOW GET OUT OR I AM GOING TO HAVE TO NAIL YO"UR FEET TO THE GROUND!!!"

Duck runs out scared for his life to come in the next day .... AGAIN

Bartender goes "what the hell do you want, i don't have any grapes"

Ducks says "no,no,no i was wondering if you had any nails"

Bartender says "why the hell would we have any nails?!?!?!?!?"

Duck: so you ave no nails?

Bartender NO!!

Duck: ...... sooooooo ...... uhhhhhh .... ya got any grapes







i was told this one

5 people crash land on a island filled with fruit from around the world there are cannibals. The cannibals say that they must each stick 10 pieces of fruit into their butt. or they will get eaten.

1st guy comes back with 10 melon Couldn't get it up there chops his head off and eats em

2nd guy comes with 10 coconuts and SOMEHOW manages to get 1 in there (OUCH!!!) .... not 10 chops his head off

3rd gets some bananas gets 5 up there (must have some experience.......) not enough chops head off

4th guy is smart and gets 10 grapes he manages to get 9 grapes up there looks at the other guy and starts cracking up chops head off

they all meet in heaven afterwards and the 3 were like "why did you laugh, you could've lived?!?!?!?

The guy says "the fifth guy had 10 Pineapples"

 

[rohan23]

My personal favorite joke.

Jerking Off
A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

 

[tom-knox]

Heard various different versions of that one over the years. Still quite funny.

 

[JogaBonito1502]

i was told this one

5 people crash land on a island filled with fruit from around the world there are cannibals. The cannibals say that they must each stick 10 pieces of fruit into their butt. or they will get eaten.

1st guy comes back with 10 melon Couldn't get it up there chops his head off and eats em

2nd guy comes with 10 coconuts and SOMEHOW manages to get 1 in there (OUCH!!!) .... not 10 chops his head off

3rd gets some bananas gets 5 up there (must have some experience.......) not enough chops head off

4th guy is smart and gets 10 grapes he manages to get 9 grapes up there looks at the other guy and starts cracking up chops head off

they all meet in heaven afterwards and the 3 were like "why did you laugh, you could've lived?!?!?!?

The guy says "the fifth guy had 10 Pineapples"

I've heard a different variation of this.

The Parrot and the Black Man - Racist joke, but funny, and old.

A black man walks in a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. Upon reaching the counter-top the bartender asks:

"Where did you get that beautiful creature?"

The parrot replies:

"In Africa!"

 

[Raffaz]

A blonde girl goes into pc world looking 4 curtains 4 their pc,the assistant says u dont need curtains 4 a computer!!Blonde girls says,''HELLOOO!! i,ve got WINDOWS!!

 

[cavemangrinder]

Thought I would bring this back to life...


A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

LOL

+1 for you dude. That one mad me laugh.

 

[63083]

Thought I would bring this back to life...


A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

Also +1. Very funny.

 

[spywarebanisher]

A blonde girl goes into pc world looking 4 curtains 4 their pc,the assistant says u dont need curtains 4 a computer!!Blonde girls says,''HELLOOO!! i,ve got WINDOWS!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

 

[alvino]

My dad sent this to me in an e-mail, it may sound kinda corny, but I got a little chuckle out of it.


This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the
centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?







A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on!'

 

[Raffaz]

Eskimo on holidays in Wales. Car breaks down. Welshman looks under bonnet Says "you've blown a seal". Eskimo says "so what you shag sheep".