Jokes Thread

[NEED WOW NOW]

Nice i like the:
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
and
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

And heres my own:
President Joke:
There are 5 People on a plane that is about to crash. They are A movie star, A sport star, George Bush, The Pope ,and a little kid with his school backpack. The problem is there is only 4 parachutes. This is what happens next:

Movie star:"I'm too important and beautiful to die so I Should get a Parachute." Grabs a parachute and jumps off the plan.

Sports Star: "Well I'm too talented to die." Grabs a Parachute and jumps off.

George Bush: "Well everyone knows I'm the most important and must have a parachute. And I really don't want to die!" Rushes and grabs a Parachute and jumps.

The Pope: "Here little boy, have mine I am too old and don't have much life in me. You have your whole life ahead of you so take my parachute."

Little Boy: "Oh don't worry mister old guy, the president didn't take a parachute."

Edit: Just noticed I got 2 bars of rep now. ^.^

 

[superman22x]

lol, thats a good one, I think I've heard different versions of it before.

 

[NEED WOW NOW]

Yea thats preatty popular but what about this one:

3 People on Plane(I know its a plane)
Its about to crash and there are no parachutes. But a person finds a genie lamp and rubs it. They get 3 wishes and the genie says "What ever you wish for you will land in when you jump off."

Person 1: This guy thinks he's smart so he says water and jumps.
Person 2: This guy is greedy so he says money and jumps.
Person 3: Is having a crappy day so he walks to the door and slips and says, "Holy SH**." Guess from there.

Another one Making fun of hair color (Of course its the blonds):
3 women are lined up against a relativity low brick wall with 3 terrorists pointing guns at them ready to do a broadcasting execution.

Black haired women: Points and says Tornado!!! Terrorists turn around and she hops the wall.

Brunette Haired person: Points and says Tsunami!!! Terrorists turn around and she hops the wall.

Blond haired person: Points and says Fire!!! Terrorists Think for a moment then... on the ladies order....

 

[superman22x]

Ok, not a joke, but kinda funny.

Is Sudam the lamest terrorist or what? He was found in a spider hole, and didnt even bother to blow himself up!! LAMO, lol. Can you imagine if you were the soldier to find him? After you get out of the army and you apply for your job at costco, your resume says:4 years military service, captured sudam husane, degree in business.
lol, and if you havent seen carlos mencia on terrorism, SEE IT!! and the same with jeff dunham and akman the dead terrorist.

Jeff, "How did you die? Did you blow someone up?"
Akman, "No, I was getting gas. Pressed a button, and BOOOM!! At first I thought I went over on my minutes."

lol, its the best.

Carlos mencia and the terrorist

terrorist, "Dont talk like that, we are crazy over here. You dont know what we can do"
Carlos, "Crazy, this is america, you do something to us, and you have a whole lotta shit at your ass!!"

Terrorist, "Dont forget, we blew up 2 of your buildings!!!"

Carlos, "Oh, you blew up 2 of our buildings? Bitch, we blew up 2 of your countries!"

Terrorist, "We have killed thousands of people."

Carlos, "Bitch, we have killed.... Millions!"

 

[CGfreak102]

Just a random convo I found on QDB:

<acidwar> last night, tony and I decided to stop off on the way to the party to get some beer
<acidwar> we come out of the shop a few minutes later and there's a parking guy writing a ticket
<acidwar> tony goes up to him and asks him what the ticket's for, parking guy explains that the car is parked in a no standing zone
<acidwar> tony starts abusing him and tells him to cram it up his ass, so the guy writes a ticket for abusing him
<Nuzzler> haha
<acidwar> so tony gets up him even more, and every time he says something the guy writes another ticket
<acidwar> 14 tickets later, the guy gives up and walks off
<dendyh0> ...
<acidwar> and we both PISS ourselves laughing as we walk back to tony's car around the corner, leaving some poor bastard with 14 parking fines
<dendyh0> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<Nuzzler> ROFL!!

o snap, that is so funny, i would get soooo pissed if that was me, but on the other hand i might do that

 

[D-Lew]

My grades.

 

[Thelis]

Did you pass Cal 2 this semester?

 

[D-Lew]

Don't know yet, I'll know middle of December.

 

[BrynF_UK]

ok i know this hasnt been active for a few days, anyway i had to share this lol.....


A man is driving down a country lane, and he passes a few farmhouses before turning a corner, but in the middle of the road is a cockerel (male chicken!) - he slams on the brakes but its too late, and he kills the bird.

The man steps out of the car, and goes o pick up the dead cockerel. He feels bad that he killed the bird, and so he turns his car around and drives to the nearest farmhouse.

When hes at the nearest farmhouse he knocks on the door, and the housewife answers. He says "Look, im very sorry, but I think I have killed your cockerel"

she says "Oh, I see..."

then he says "Look, since its my fault, Ill be willing to replace him for you at any cost"

so she says "Well, since you insist, the hen's are around the back"

LOL

 

[Rubber314Chicken]

don't chickens reproduce asexually?