Jokes Thread

jet fuel

John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

John said, 'Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a
buzz. Di ye wanna try it?'

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel
hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how ye feeling the
day?'

John says, 'Smashing! Fit about you?'

Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?'

John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs b*ll*cks! -- nae
hangover, nethin. We shid dee this mair afen'

Jim says 'Aye, well there's jist the one thing.'

'Fit's at then?'

'Hiv yi farted yet?'

' Er, - No '

Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in Bloody Norway!
:)
 
A long time ago a local rich dog decided to hold a party, he invited several of his friends and local ponces. Now, we all know that dogs are messy lil buggers, so he politely asked that each dog remove their rear ends and hang them on a hook at the front of the house as to avoid accidents. The party was in full swing when a rather drunken dog spills his martini on the floor , slips on it and his cigar flies into the air onto the spilled drink and catches fire.

The fire takes hold quickly and the party becomes a disaster area, dogs of all sizes and breeds run screaming around the house depserate to find their way thru the smoke to the exit at the front, in the confusion they dont have time to check which bums are theirs, so they just grab anything they can get their paws on...

So now you know why dogs constantly sniff each others behinds, theyre still trying to find out where the hell theirs ended up.

ahem lol i liked it anyway ;)
 
jet fuel

John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

John said, 'Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a
buzz. Di ye wanna try it?'

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel
hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how ye feeling the
day?'

John says, 'Smashing! Fit about you?'

Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?'

John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs b*ll*cks! -- nae
hangover, nethin. We shid dee this mair afen'

Jim says 'Aye, well there's jist the one thing.'

'Fit's at then?'

'Hiv yi farted yet?'

' Er, - No '

Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in Bloody Norway!
:)



Omg cant stop laughing hilarious!
 
A farmer from Texas was visiting England & got chatting with a local farmer in a pub, they discussed the size of farms in the U.S. & England, the Texan said I get in my truck each morning, drive from sunrise to sunset & still not reach the other side, the English farmer replied, I had a truck like that once.
 
Paddy names the kids

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The
babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, " Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother he's a clueless idiot". Expecting the worst, she asks the
doctor," well, whats my daughter's name?"

"Denise" says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful
name,

"I guess I was wrong about my brother",she thought...."I really like
Denise "

Then she asks, " Whats the boy's name?"

The doctor replies " Denephew "
:)
 
From hearse to cab

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
Plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of Me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab............... ...........

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
 
How to heal the pain of getting hit with a golf ball....

Two ladies were out playing a round of golf one afternoon. As one of them teed off, she noticed her ball slicing right towards a group of men preparing to tee off on an adjacent hole. The lady quickly screamed out "FORE!!!" but she was not in time.

As the ball reached the men, she noticed one of them immediately clasp his hands together at his groin and he hit the ground, rolling in apparent agony. The ladies rushed over to the men and the one who hit the ball crouched down next to the guy she'd hit and explained she was a physical therapist and knew how she could relieve him of his pain. The man explained he would probably be OK in a few minutes. She insisted however she knew what she was doing and convinced him to move his clenched hands.

She then proceeded to gently massage his groin, hoping to bring him relief of his pain. After a few minutes, she noticed his facial expression had changed from one of agony to one of a mixture of pain and pleasure. "Is this helping you at all?" she asked.

He replied, "Actually, it feels GREAT, but I don't understand how THAT is going to make my thumb stop hurting!!!"
 
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