Jokes Thread
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superman22x
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Raffaz, you always find the best jokes. I have a couple, but they are a lil racist, or rude, so I wont post them, but they are funny!
Computer Head
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LOL Nice!!! The drunk shat himself!!!
Sue Ann
There was this man who was notorious for cheating on his women. He always was sleeping around with somebody. He had went to the races to bet on a horse. Obviously, he didn't win!!!
He came home and his wife found a piece of paper with Sue Ann written on it in his pocket. She asked, "what the hell is this? Are you cheating on me?" The man said, "oh no, I would never cheat on you. That is the name of the horse I was betting on." She said ok, and they went to bed.
The next day he went to work, and he came home. He walked in the door, and his wife smacked him in the head with a frying pan, killing him instantly. She said, "your horse called."
Sue Ann
There was this man who was notorious for cheating on his women. He always was sleeping around with somebody. He had went to the races to bet on a horse. Obviously, he didn't win!!!
He came home and his wife found a piece of paper with Sue Ann written on it in his pocket. She asked, "what the hell is this? Are you cheating on me?" The man said, "oh no, I would never cheat on you. That is the name of the horse I was betting on." She said ok, and they went to bed.
The next day he went to work, and he came home. He walked in the door, and his wife smacked him in the head with a frying pan, killing him instantly. She said, "your horse called."
Raffaz
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Ferarri
A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership.
She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.
Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say....If you farted just touching it .... you're going to sh!t yourself when you hear the price."
A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership.
She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.
Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?
He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say....If you farted just touching it .... you're going to sh!t yourself when you hear the price."
Raffaz
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Noah.
Noah in 2007
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I could not build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The ****ing government beat me to it."
Noah in 2007
In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I could not build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The ****ing government beat me to it."
spywarebanisher
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ha!
Thelis
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This is a classic:
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
superman22x
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I dont think I ever posted this, but I want a mod to check it right away, cause if anyone is mexican here they might be offended.
3 guys are in a plane. A american, a chinese guy, and a mexican guy. The plane is overloaded, and they each need to toss something out that they have too much of in the country. The chinese guy picks up a bowl of rice, and tosses it out of the plane. The mexican picks up a taco and says, "I have too many of these in my country" And tosses it out...
The american picks up the Mexican and says, "I have too many of these in my country" And tosses him out.
Its a bit racist, so sorry if I offended anyone, I have plaenty of mexican friends. Some have told me they are illegal too, but I would never dream of turning them in.
3 guys are in a plane. A american, a chinese guy, and a mexican guy. The plane is overloaded, and they each need to toss something out that they have too much of in the country. The chinese guy picks up a bowl of rice, and tosses it out of the plane. The mexican picks up a taco and says, "I have too many of these in my country" And tosses it out...
The american picks up the Mexican and says, "I have too many of these in my country" And tosses him out.
Its a bit racist, so sorry if I offended anyone, I have plaenty of mexican friends. Some have told me they are illegal too, but I would never dream of turning them in.
Brookfield
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I think it's OK, if that offends anyone, here's another;
Q; Where does a Mexican ghost keep his sheet?
A; In the sheet house.
Muchas gracias senors.
Q; Where does a Mexican ghost keep his sheet?
A; In the sheet house.
Muchas gracias senors.
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