Jokes Thread

[Thelis]

This is by far the best joke I have ever heard, seriously.

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

 

[Thelis]

Another classic joke. A friend of mine tried this, he got detention.

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

 

[Thelis]

Blind animals

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

 

[Thelis]

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 

[mammikoura]

good jokes!
But can't you just put all of them into the same post? I don't see the point in spamming the thread with several posts in a few minutes. The edit button is also there.

 

[Brookfield]

Do not post in old thread, this is now in the rules, closed.

 

[Celegorm]

Umm... this is not an old thread. Old is thirty days of inactivity. This has been active the entire time.

This was made a sticky for a reason, To keep all the jokes in one place so the lounge isn't full of them. Do you want to stickies for the same thing? Me either. Open.

 

[Brookfield]

Umm... this is not an old thread. Old is thirty days of inactivity. This has been active the entire time.

This was made a sticky for a reason, To keep all the jokes in one place so the lounge isn't full of them. Do you want to stickies for the same thing? Me either. Open.

Sorry, forgot it was a sticky

 

[Thelis]

good jokes!
But can't you just put all of them into the same post? I don't see the point in spamming the thread with several posts in a few minutes. The edit button is also there.

I could, but I thought that nobody would read through the entire long post. This way they can read one, browse something then they can read another one. I wasn't trying to spam. We have been over this already, both Raffaz and that other dude posted consecutive jokes in posts and it was considered alright.

If you want you can check out my other posts, I almost never double post.

 

[mammikoura]

yeah I know other people have done it too, but still I think that you should put them all into the same post.
And my post was targeted at everyone, not just you. Sorry if it seemed like I was blaming you.