Jokes Thread

[Celegorm]

^^ I have a few more to add

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." ~ General Macarthur

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." ~ Infantry Journal

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." ~ Unknown Marine Recruit

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire"

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

The three most common expressions/last words in aviation: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?", "Oh $h&t!"

"You know your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

Ok, only the first three followed Thelis' but yeah...

 

[Thelis]

Hhaha.

Second most commonly used last phrase: What does this button do.
Most commonly used last phrase: Oh that... F****

 

[Raffaz]

A lovely old couple are sitting in church on a Sunday morning...

The old lady whispers to her husband, ' Oh no, i've just done a 'silent fart' but it smells really terrible, what should i do?

Her husband replies, 'Get some new batteries for your hearing aid.'

 

[Raffaz]

LSD joke

Teenager asks his granny " have you seen my pills? they are labelled LSD"

Granny says " fek the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen"

 

[Raffaz]

Two Mackems are walking down Northumberland Street, when one of them spots a sign in a shop window.
It reads Shirts - 50p, Trousers - £1, Suits - £2.

"Here", says the first Mackem to his mate, "have you seen that, shirts 50p trousers £1, Suits £2. It looks like a canny deal. Why don't we go in, buy the lot and take them back to Sunderland and sell them on for a profit."

"Aye, that's a canny idea" says the other Mackem, "there's just one problem though. When the lady in the shop hears our accents, she won't serve us 'cause she will know we are Mackems."

"Don't worry about that" says the first Mackem, "I went to school with a Geordie, I've got the accent off to a tee."

So, both the Mackems walk into the shop and ask the lady if the sign in the window is right.

"What do you mean?" she says "Shirts for 50p, trousers £1 and suits £2."

"aye that's right" says the first Mackem. "and we want to buy the lot."

The lady looks at them and smiles and says "you two are Mackems aren't you."

Both the Mackems are totally shocked.

"How did you know that like?" they say.

"'Cause we're a dry cleaners you thick *******s!!!"

 

[~NeonFire372~]

This joke proves how dependent we are on computers.

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.





Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...



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LOOK down, not scroll down, idiot.

 

[Raffaz]

A sweet tale

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker,it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said."I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.

Mr Cadburyturned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree
>>>wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Burtie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

 

[DannyBoy1]

lmao that was a good one

 

[Brookfield]

Mick, that was your best yet, hee hee, you kill me.........I bet some of our friends in the US will be baffled though, you goin' to explain what a curly wurly is?, cos I'm not!!

 

[Raffaz]

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was so overcome with lust that I had my way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at B&Q either."