Jokes Thread

[ace777]

Ok heres a good one ( sorry for typos if any)


There is a bus full of very ugly people, there entire life was horrible , all were
made fun of, picked on and mistreated. Suddenly the bus drives of the road and everyone on the bus dies. When they are lined up ready to get into heaven, god looks on them and feels sorry. " I have an idea" He says " I feels so horrible for each of you that I will grant you one wish for having to live such hard lives.So the first ugly person says for my wish I want to be pretty". "wish granted" God says. The next goes on and says "I want to be the most beautiful person ever",, " Wish granted" gods says. It goes on and on this way each person wishing that they were more beautiful than the next one. Finally god gets to the last person in the line and notices that he is laughing uncontrollably. He is rolling around on the ground and just laughing. Finally , He gets enough pause to tell god his wish:
" I wish them all ugly again"
So, next time your last is line,Just remember it isn't all bad

Lol, I got this in an email.

 

[Raffaz]

13 Canaries

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Skoda."

The third one says, "Well, I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

 

[Brookfield]

Here's one, apologies in advance to anybody Japanese/related to one/ or has a friend who is one;

What do you call a punch-drunk Japanese boxer, whose father who suffers from dysentry? A slap-happy jappy with a crap-happy pappy.

 

[Raffaz]

A golfers priority

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."

"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She's showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE................... , LONG SILENCE....

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!"

 

[Jenox]

This thread pwnz. Best idea EVER! lol. Keep it up Raffaz.

 

[Audrey]

Ok heres a good one ( sorry for typos if any)


There is a bus full of very ugly people, there entire life was horrible , all were
made fun of, picked on and mistreated. Suddenly the bus drives of the road and everyone on the bus dies. When they are lined up ready to get into heaven, god looks on them and feels sorry. " I have an idea" He says " I feels so horrible for each of you that I will grant you one wish for having to live such hard lives.So the first ugly person says for my wish I want to be pretty". "wish granted" God says. The next goes on and says "I want to be the most beautiful person ever",, " Wish granted" gods says. It goes on and on this way each person wishing that they were more beautiful than the next one. Finally god gets to the last person in the line and notices that he is laughing uncontrollably. He is rolling around on the ground and just laughing. Finally , He gets enough pause to tell god his wish:
" I wish them all ugly again"
So, next time your last is line,Just remember it isn't all bad

Lol, I got this in an email.

I absolutely love it!!!

 

[Raffaz]

Nudist club membership

A 68 year old man joined a Nudist Club.

First day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"
The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It 's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he i greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee"
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies,

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I
fart 15 times a day!
I'm outta here!"

 

[Raffaz]

Perfect Life

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
was driving their
perfect car along a winding road,when they noticed
someone at the side of the road
in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped
to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple;
and Santa Claus had an accident......Only one of
them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer)




















Trust me, it's worth it!
















Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
as
a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the
joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.



































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling








































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still
reading, this illustrates another point:
" WOMEN NEVER LISTEN "

 

[mark thorpe]

^ HAHAHA!! sooo true!! good one

 

[Brookfield]

Here's another nudist joke;

Notice in the sports area, "Will members playing leapfrog, please complete the leap"