Jokes Thread

[blackjack]

Leroy's conversion

During March, each Friday night after work, Leroy would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a steak.

But, all of Leroy's neighbours were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled steaks was causing such
a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The priest came to visit Leroy, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Leroy attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Leroy's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled steak filled the neighbourhood again.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Leroy's back garden clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Leroy, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You is born a cow, you is raised a cow, but now you is a fish.

split my sides with that one lol

 

[superman22x]

Ok I got one thats religious too.

A priest is walking throughtho woods and praying. All of the sudden he sees a huge angry Bear. And the Bear sees him. The Bear stands up on his hind legs and is about to eat the priest. So the priest knowing he is going to die closes his eyes and prays, "God, before this bear eats me, please make him a Christian. AMEN" And when he looks up hte Bear is kneeling down in prayer saying...









"Bless us O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which I am about to recieve from thy bounty of Christ my Lord, Amen."

Simply put, "rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub!"
get it, lol

 

[superman22x]

The Sermon

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[superman22x]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[~NeonFire372~]

Leroy's conversion

During March, each Friday night after work, Leroy would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a steak.

But, all of Leroy's neighbours were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled steaks was causing such
a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The priest came to visit Leroy, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Leroy attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Leroy's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled steak filled the neighbourhood again.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Leroy's back garden clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Leroy, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You is born a cow, you is raised a cow, but now you is a fish.

 

[superman22x]

OK had to post these, I know I made four threads but its effect for each joke ya know.

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

 

[Celegorm]

^^ priceless.

 

[GlasseyeUK]

The virgin!!!

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertakerthat she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:











"RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

[Raffaz]

The virgin!!!

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertakerthat she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:











"RETURNED UNOPENED"

Nice I want connection reset by peer on my stone lol

 

[Raffaz]

Blonde in first class

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York