Jokes Thread

[blackjack]

A man goes to vegas, gambling away he soon relizises he has only 5$ left not enough for his flight home, he wonders the street in a panick and soon finds himself strolling down a alley when he comes across a sign in neon lights "RODEO COMPETION $100.000 PRIZE. $5 A GO" he has a quick think then walks in to place , the bloke says have you got insurance, no he replys so the man said , if you sign this no compensation for injury form il let you in.
He signs goes in and waits his turn, after watching a few people fall off the world champion has ago. 1min 2 min 3mim 4min wow 5mins a new world record, then its the mans turn he jumps on the bull and away he went 1min 2min 3min 5min 10 min 30 min after 1hour they stop the contest , the man celebrates and goes to pick up his prize, the guy on the door says before i give you the money how did you do it?
He replies MY WIFES AN EPILEPTIC!!!

 

[GlasseyeUK]

Some things that women use:

Fine:- This is a word they use to end an argument when they are right and we need to shut up.

Five Minutes:- If they are getting dressed, this is half an hour, five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given more than five minutes to watch the game before you help around the house.

Nothing:- This is the calm before the storm.This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing usually end up in "fine"

Go ahead:- This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

Loud sigh:- This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means we think you are an idiot and wonder why we are wasting our time standing here arguing with you over "nothing"

That's okay:- This is one of the most dangerous statements us women can make to a man."That's ok" means that we want you to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:- A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say your welcome.

So men be warned, future arguments can be avoided if you remember the terminology.


Oh and remember....

Whatever:- It's their way of saying *!#@ you!!!

 

[blackjack]

Some things that women use:

Fine:- This is a word they use to end an argument when they are right and we need to shut up.

Five Minutes:- If they are getting dressed, this is half an hour, five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given more than five minutes to watch the game before you help around the house.

Nothing:- This is the calm before the storm.This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing usually end up in "fine"

Go ahead:- This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

Loud sigh:- This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means we think you are an idiot and wonder why we are wasting our time standing here arguing with you over "nothing"

That's okay:- This is one of the most dangerous statements us women can make to a man."That's ok" means that we want you to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:- A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say your welcome.

So men be warned, future arguments can be avoided if you remember the terminology.


Oh and remember....

Whatever:- It's their way of saying *!#@ you!!!

HEY YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY WIFE!!!

 

[Jenox]

HEY YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY WIFE!!!

Yeah seriously all this shit s like right on the mark... =O

 

[blackjack]

A man walks into a chemist and asks CAN I HAVE 99 JONNYS PLEASE?

Women replies F--K ME

Man replies YOU BETTER MAKE IT 100!!!

 

[GlasseyeUK]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,"That's fine,honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I thinkthis is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled,"WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[ace777]

lol, nice

 

[GlasseyeUK]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

 

[Raffaz]

Its wartime, and three Irish pilots are flying over German occupied France when they are shot down. Landing close to eachother, they all brush themselves off and thank their stars they're still alive.

They suddenly hear the sound of German voices, "Find them, find them, they were shot down."

The three Irishmen quickly run off to a Barn and try to find places to hide. They eventually find big sacks and each jump inside one.

The Germans come into the Barn, knowing the Irishmen are in there somewhere, slowly looking around they prod one of the sacks, the Irishman blurts out "Meowww, Meowww", The German looks across to his comrade "Aghh, damn cats".

The second German prods the second sack, The Irishman, now feeling smart, barks.. "Woof, woof". The German looks round to his comrade, "Agggh, Dogs.."

...........













The third German prods the third sack, The Irishman softly says "Potatos!"

 

[Raffaz]

Leroy's conversion

During March, each Friday night after work, Leroy would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a steak.

But, all of Leroy's neighbours were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled steaks was causing such
a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The priest came to visit Leroy, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Leroy attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Leroy's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled steak filled the neighbourhood again.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Leroy's back garden clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Leroy, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You is born a cow, you is raised a cow, but now you is a fish.