Jokes Thread

[joxley1990]

Guy is in a car crash and ends up in hospital. He has to have oxygen masks, life support machines, etc etc..

Nurse was walking past, and with his voice muffled by the oxygen face mask, he says, "Nurse nurse, please just tell me, are my testicles black?"

The Nurse looks at him and says "Ermm.. I'll just check for you"

So the Nurse has a rummage around his penis, on his testicles etc..

She finishes and says to the guy, "No, they seem fine, can I help you with anything else"

Slowly but surely, the guy takes the oxygen mask off and says, "Gee, thanks for that Nurse, but as I asked before, Are my tes-results-back?"

 

[Raffaz]

Oldie but goodie

 

[GlasseyeUK]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...


a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

 

[Ahyoka]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...


a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

 

[Raffaz]

A lesson in life

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...
who lives with a female roommate Maria...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldnt help but notice how pretty Anthonys roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You dont suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but Ill e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote;



Dear Momma,
Im not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and Im not saying that you did not take it. But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony



Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from

his Momma which read.......



Dear Son,
Im not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar
bowl by now.

Love,
Momma.


Lesson: Never lie to your momma

 

[masterprime]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Newfoundland?




cuz he couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. hahah

 

[Jenox]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Newfoundland?




cuz he couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. hahah

That's quite possibly the stupidest joke I've ever heard.

 

[Raffaz]

It's not THAT hard to get it right.... surely?

TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY, all you have to do is to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father figure

6. a teacher

7. an educator

8. a cook

9. a listener

10. a carpenter

11. a driver

12. an engineer

13. a mechanic

14. an interior decorator

15. a stylist

16. a sex therapist

17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician

18. a psychologist

19. a psychiatrist

20. a therapist

21. a good father

22. a gentleman

23. well organised

24. tidy

25. very clean

27. athletic

28. affectionate

29. affable

30. attentive

31. ambitious

32. amenable

33. articulate

34. bold

35. brave

36. creative

37. courageous

38. complimentary

39. capable

40. decisive

41. intelligent

42. imaginative

43. interesting

44. prudent

45. patient

46. polite

47. passionate

48. respectful

49. sweet

50. strong

51. skilful

52. supportive

53. sympathetic

54. tolerant

55. understanding

56. someone who loves shopping

57. someone who doesn't make problems

58. someone who never looks at other women

59. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, you must pay attention to make sure you:

60. are neither jealous nor disinterested

61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her

62. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

BUT ABOVE ALL, it is extremely important to:

63. Not forget the dates of: anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...) graduation, birthday, menstruation

HOWEVER, even if you do observe all of the above instructions perfectly, you are still not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild b*stard-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets.

TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY, all you have to do is:

1. Let him have sex with you

 

[Jenox]

It's not THAT hard to get it right.... surely?

TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY, all you have to do is to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father figure

6. a teacher

7. an educator

8. a cook

9. a listener

10. a carpenter

11. a driver

12. an engineer

13. a mechanic

14. an interior decorator

15. a stylist

16. a sex therapist

17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician

18. a psychologist

19. a psychiatrist

20. a therapist

21. a good father

22. a gentleman

23. well organised

24. tidy

25. very clean

27. athletic

28. affectionate

29. affable

30. attentive

31. ambitious

32. amenable

33. articulate

34. bold

35. brave

36. creative

37. courageous

38. complimentary

39. capable

40. decisive

41. intelligent

42. imaginative

43. interesting

44. prudent

45. patient

46. polite

47. passionate

48. respectful

49. sweet

50. strong

51. skilful

52. supportive

53. sympathetic

54. tolerant

55. understanding

56. someone who loves shopping

57. someone who doesn't make problems

58. someone who never looks at other women

59. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, you must pay attention to make sure you:

60. are neither jealous nor disinterested

61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her

62. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

BUT ABOVE ALL, it is extremely important to:

63. Not forget the dates of: anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...) graduation, birthday, menstruation

HOWEVER, even if you do observe all of the above instructions perfectly, you are still not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild b*stard-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets.

TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY, all you have to do is:

1. Let him have sex with you

QFMFT!!!!!!!!!!!!

If sigs could be this long...that would be it.

 

[Raffaz]

Horse Race Lineup

HORSE RACE LINE-UP:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big D*ck
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate........ Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.....Heavy Bosom is being pressured.......... Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big D*ck is in a dangerous spot..........

AAAAAAH THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big D*ck is pressed in.....Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets....... Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on BareBelly......Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big D*ck........

AAAAAAH THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain........ Big D*ck is making a final drive.....Big D*ck moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming..............

AAAAAND THE FINISH:

It's Big D*ck giving everything he's got.......Passionate Lady takes everything Big D*ck has to offer.....It looks like a dead heat but.......Big D*ck comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head.......Bare Belly shows....... Thighs weaken....... Heavy Bosom pulls up..... and Clean Sheets never had a chance!