14 Lines to make you smile

[alvino]

Fourteen Lines to Make You Smile


1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. SHE thought she was God and I didn't.


2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!


4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.


5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.


7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me


8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


10. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.


11. I am out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.


13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

[jack22]

LMA0....where are you getting all these?

 

[alvino]

From my dad. He and his Chiropractic association always send stuff to each other.

 

[~mr mixx~]

Alvino, i am going to highjack your thread, and add some stuff of my own...Hope you don't mind...

But I figured it's better to add to your's than to make another thread with the same kind of funny stuff..

Oh and by the way, i'm not triple posting & what not, i find it easier to scroll the next page , Better than to scroll down a mile long post.

Ok here goes...

Not too bright
These are one-liners that you really don't want people to be using to describe you. I think it's nicer to use these though instead of saying that someone is just unintelligent. If they aren't intelligent though, they may not understand what you're saying about them. If they're the type to seek revenge that may just be to your benefit.

1. Not the brightest light in the harbor.
2. The light's on but no one's home.
3. Not the brightest bulb in the box.
4. A few screws short of a hardware store.
5. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
6. A few cards short of a deck.
7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
8. About as sharp as a marble.
9. Only has one oar in the water.
10. Smart as a bag of rocks.
11. A burger short of a combo meal.
12. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
13. A few peas short of a casserole.
14. A few keys short of a keyboard.
15. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
16. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
17. As smart as a stick.
18. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. Has an IQ of room temperature.
21. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
22. Not the brightest crayon in the box.
23. One twist short of a slinky.
24. Sharp as a sack of wet mice.
25. More numb than a frozen mukluk.
26. I ain't sharpest crayon in the box - Markie Sparkie Lover.
27. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed - Markie Sparkie Lover.
28. They are depriving some village of its idiot.
29. A few threads short of a sweater.
30. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
31. Driveway doesn't quite reach the road.
32. The battery is not fully charged.
33. About as sharp as a bowling ball.
34. Dumber than a bag of hammers.
35. A few bricks short of a full load.
36. A few clowns short of a circus.
37. A few beers short of a six-pack.
38. Dumber than a box of hair.
39. A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.
40. All foam no beer.
41. As smart as bait.
42. Chimney's clogged.
43. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
44. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
45. The antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
46. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
47. Another brain would be lonely.
48. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
49. No grain in the silo.
50. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
51. Receiver is off the hook.
52. Has a leak in the skylight.
53. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
54. Dumb as a donkey.
55. Not all the soldiers are marching in line.
56. Dumber than paint.
57. Half a bubble off plumb.
58. A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl.
59. Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.
60. A few shades beyond blonde.
61. Has to take turns for the family brain-cell.
62. A few watts short of a light bulb.
63. Dump as a stump.
64. Running on 3 cylinders.
65. A few Bradys short of a bunch.
66. Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord.
67. Would lose a debate with a doorknob.
68. Has an IQ lower than plant life.
69. All telephone, no receiver.
70. One ski short of a snowmobile.
71. Wouldn't know if they were on foot or horseback.
72. The logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged.
73. Eats soup with a fork.
74. The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off (or is dead).
75. The cheese slid off the cracker.
76. The engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel.
77. A few fuses short of a full circuit.
78. A tire short of an eighteen wheeler.
79. Doesn't have all the chairs at the table.
80. Dumber than a bag of rocks.
81. A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding.
82. A few pecans short of a fruitcake.
83. As fruity as a bag of Skittlesâ„¢
84. Would argue with a signpost.
85. If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you'd get change.
86. Dumb as a salt shaker.
87. Has a mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
88. Knitting with only one needle.
89. The result of too much chlorine in the gene pool.
90. Not the brightest bulb in the Chandalier.
91. Not the quickest bunny in the forest.
92. The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn't been installed.
93. Not exactly running on all thrusters.
94. A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza.
95. A few burgers short of a barbecue.
96. A few roos loose in the top paddock.
97. The wind is blowing but nothing is moving.
98. The umbrella is up but there's no rain.
99. A few colors short of a rainbow.
100. As bright as a lamp in Aladdin's cave.
101. The boat doesn't have all the oars in the water.
102. A few boats short of a fleet.
103. A monosynaptic cretin (Don't understand it? 'nuff said)
104. A few noodles short of a chow mein.
105. A few bristles short of a broom.
106. A few snags short of a barbie.
107. Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
108. Hasn't seen the ball since kickoff.
109. The relative IQ of a deck chair.
110. A poster child for birth control.
111. A few players short of a team.
112. Couldn't hit the floor if he fell on it.
113. A few sheep short of a flock.
114. If you stand close enough to them you can hear the sea.
115. They have an IQ lower than their shoe size.
116. A few gunmen short of a posse.
117. As sharp as a pound of wet liver.
118. Not the quickest horse in the stable.

 

[alvino]

FINE! Hijack my thread! LOL JK That's pretty good.

 

[~mr mixx~]

<page 2>

Oxymorons
Contrary to what you might think, this is not a list of less than intelligent oxes. This is a list of rhetorical figures in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined. How do you like that definition?
For a huge collection of oxymorons, take a look at oxymorons.info.
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Guest host
3. Mutually exclusive
4. First-strike defense
5. Department of Interior (responsible for everything outside ..???...)
6. Pretty ugly
7. A little big
8. Recently new
9. Severely killed
10. Union workers
11. Good grief
12. Friendly competitor
13. Honest Lawyer
14. Committed schedule
15. Clean hack
16. Violent Agreement
17. This page intentionally left blank
18. "Thank God I'm an Atheist"
19. Better than New
20. One Size Fits All
21. Tax Return
22. Constant change
23. Paperless Office
24. Rapid Transit
25. Freezer burn
26. Inside out
27. New classic
28. Soft rock
29. Definite maybe
30. Act naturally
31. Taped live
32. Found missing
33. 12-ounce pound cake
34. Plastic glasses
35. Advanced BASIC
36. Exact estimate
37. Extinct life
38. Same difference
39. Working vacation
40. Clearly misunderstood
41. Almost exactly
42. Tight slacks
43. Passive aggressive
44. Silent scream
45. Terribly pleased
46. Sweet sorrow
47. Small crowd
48. Synthetic natural gas
49. Genuine imitation
50. Airline Food
51. Political Science
52. Government Organization
53. Military Intelligence
54. Temporary Tax Increase
55. Rap Music
56. Peacekeeping Force
57. Microsoft Works
58. Childproof
59. Religious Tolerance
60. Christian Science
61. Native American
62. Evolutionary Theory
63. Business Ethics
64. Honest Politician
65. Born dead
66. Bit to big

<cont on next page>

 

[~mr mixx~]

<cont from above>
67. Thinking out
68. Quiet loudspeaker
69. Wind Burn
70. Terribly Good
71. Terrific Head Ache
72. Resident alien
73. Sanitary landfill
74. Alone together
75. Legally drunk
76. Living dead
77. Butt head
78. Peace force
79. Army intelligence
80. Living dead
81. Heartfelt Politics
82. Cafeteria Food
83. Drawing a blank
84. Positively negative
85. Deafening silence
86. Mournful optimist
87. Good beating
88. Quiet riot
89. Simple calculus
90. Civil war
91. Brilliantly dull
92. Mild jalepeno
93. Realistic liberal
94. Silent screaming
95. Shouting whispers
96. Hell's angels
97. American beauty
98. Silent Women
99. The Peace War
100. Cat fish
101. Ethiopian Feast
102. Holy war
103. New and improved
104. Ghetto Punk
105. Good morning
106. Government assistance
107. A fine mess
108. Bittersweet
109. Peaceful war
110. Talkative mime
111. Tactical mass destruction
112. Sweet and sour sauce
113. Peaceful dragons (trust me on this one.)
114. Courage the Cowardly dog
115. Friendly fire (as in firearms)
116. Democratic dictatorship
117. Strangely normal
118. Little big horn
119. Plastic silverware
120. Lead astray
121. Cold sweat.
122. Metal wood (golf)
123. Waterproof washoff
124. Dry ice
125. Safe sex
126. Original copy
127. Cruel kindness
128. Laborious idleness
129. Industrial Action (usually means a strike)
130. Sweet tart
131. Icy hot
132. Real fake
133. Dull roar.
134. Loose tights.
135. Slow speed.
136. Non-fat cream.
137. Kosher ham.
138. Graduate student.
139. Virtual reality.
140. Constant variable.
141. Paid volunteer.
142. Science fiction.
143. Original copy.
144. Long shorts
145. Old news

 

[alvino]

Holy moly! That's lot!

 

[~mr mixx~]

Palindromes
A palindrome is a word, phrase, verse, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward. Taking a normal word like "browse" and typing "browse swobr" doesn't count because it doesn't make any sense. It has to be a valid sentence to be a true palindrome.
1. Naomi, sex at noon taxes. I moan.
2. Never odd or even.
3. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
4. Madam, I'm Adam.
5. Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
6. Sit on Otis.
7. Go Hang a Salami, I'm a Lasagna Hog!
8. Too Hot to Hoot
9. Was it a bat I saw?
10. Some men interpret nine memos.
11. Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.
12. Lee had a heel.
13. I saw desserts; I'd no lemons; alas, no melon. Distressed was I.
14. I was now won, saw I
15. God met I, NIN item dog
16. Bob
17. Saippuakauppias
18. Mom
19. Dad
20. Hannah
21. Otto
22. So many dynamos
23. Enid and Edna dine
24. "Reviled did I live," said I, as evil I did deliver
25. Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
26. 10/02/2001
27. Pam loots a stool map
28. Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas
29. Abba
30. 10/11/01
31. Radar
32. Kayak
33. Nurses run
34. Rotator
35. Live was i ere i saw evil
36. Yo banana boy
37. "Not for Cecil?" asks Alice Crofton.
38. Now do I repay a period won.
39. Selim's tired; no wonder, it's Miles.
40. He was as a saw, eh?
41. Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?
42. "Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod.
43. 10/22/01
44. Able was I, ere, I saw Elba
45. Level
46. Toot
47. Did
48. Redivider
49. Word row
50. Swap God for a janitor, rot in a jar of dog paws.
51. Wo, Nemo, toss a lasso to me now!
52. Ten animals slam in a net
53. Go dog
54. Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
55. Did I, debating, Nita dating, Nita bed? I did.
56. Tons forever of snot!
57. Natasha lived as a devil. Ah, Satan!
58. Devil lived
59. To rococo rot
60. Rise to vote, sir
61. Redder
62. Stats
63. Aibohphobia (tongue-in-cheek word for fear of palindromes)
64. Noon
65. Boob
66. Wow
67. Ni talar bra latin! (Swedish for: you speak good latin)
68. Dr. Awkward
69. Oh poop ho!
70. Neil, an alien
71. Racecar
72. Was it a cat I saw?
73. Do geese see God?
74. Emily's Sassy Lime
75. 2/02/02
76. Kayak
77. T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I'd assign it a name: 'Gnat dirt upset on drab pot toilet'.

<cont on next page>

 

[~mr mixx~]

<cont from above>
78. Rats live on no evil star
79. Oh no! Don Ho!
80. Smart trams
81. SPAM maps
82. Name no one man
83. Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna
84. Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap
85. Level? No, I tan, I'm at no contamination level
86. Now, Ned, I am a maiden nun; Ned, I am a maiden won.
87. We repaid a no name Pacific ape man on a diaper, ew!
88. Yo, boy! Trap gnus, nude. 'Kangaroo Rag' naked unsung party, O boy!
89. Did I strap red nude, red rump, also slap murdered underparts? I did!
90. Doc, note: I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
91. Degas, are we not drawn onward, we freer few, drawn onward to new eras aged?
92. Garret, I ogle. Enemy democrats party; trap star comedy men, eel goiter rag.
93. Lived on Decaf, Faced no Devil
94. Evil olive.
95. Tar rat
96. Star rats
97. Yo bro, free beer for boy
98. I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori
99. Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic
100. 20:02 20/02 2002
101. Was it a car or a cat I saw?
102. Liam and Edna mail.
103. 111,111,111 * 111,111,111 = 12345678987654321
104. A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
105. Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
106. I'm a lasagna ham, ma hang a salami.
107. Noise: Lenin is an asinine lesion.
108. Sinatra tall a Tartan is.
109. Ma's made la cheese, eh Cal, Edam, Sam?
110. Animals are all in a vanilla era's lamina.
111. Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.
112. A new order began, a more Roman age bred Rowena.
113. A dog, a plan, a canal: pagoda
114. Tara Lee has a lad; alas, a heel, a rat.
115. Dana did an ad.
116. A hero, glad Al Gore. Ha!
117. Keep eels asleep. Eek!
118. A toyota.
119. Star comedy by democrats.
120. Golf? No, sir. Prefer prison flog.
121. Step on no pets.
122. Dennis and Edna sinned.
123. A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal - Panama.
124. No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.
125. God, a red nugget. A fat egg under a dog.
126. Live on time, emit no evil.
127. Dogma: I am God
128. Toronto, I riot! No rot! (Inspired by garbage strike in Toronto).
129. Llama mall.
130. Rot in a jar of pot no dumb mud on top for a janitor.
131. Now sir, a war is never even sir, a war is won.
132. No lemon, no melon
133. Flee to me, remote elf.
134. As I pee, sir, I see Pisa.
135. Did Bob poop? Bob did!
136. Dennis ,Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo,
137. Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena,
138. Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan,
139. Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne,
140. Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina,
141. Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.
142. Bird rib
143. Drowsy sword
144. Pullup
145. Civic
146. Senile felines.
147. Step on no pets.
148. Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
149. Poor Dan is in a droop.
150. No it is open on one position.
151. Lonely Tylenol.
152. I saw rail rats live on radar. No evil-star liar was I.
153. A Dan, a clan, a canal, Canada.
154. Yo basil is a boy.
155. Murder for a jar of red rum.
156. Race fast, safe car.
157. Too bat I hit a boot.
158. Warsaw was raw.
159. A santa at NASA.